Dazed and Confused

Being Redhead

2012-01-17T08:48:00.002-07:00

Power.

Connection.

Rules.

Identity.

For me, being a redhead meant that Iwas given something extra. I was different from others and therefore I had tolive differently. My father was a redhead but it was my mother (a dark haired)that taught me about being a redhead. I vaguely remember the books that we hadin our house. The important ones had redheads as the main characters. They werethe fun ones, the changers, the people in silent power, and even the secret ornot so secret destroyers of lives. They were those with divinity or tantamountto daemons. Lots of times they were both. This was often the same in the realworld as well. An Asian woman once asked my parents if they wouldn’t like to have my hair be a different color.“Like what?” was their question back, “Like black.” was her response. In herculture red hair meant something bad. Another time my mom and I were in downtown Tucson, at dusk, waiting forthe bus. A man waiting with us looked at the sunset and then the sunraysshining on my hair. He just glowed and in his limited English pointed to thesun and then my hair and said “golden—golden”.

Thebook I remember best is still one of my favorites today. Miss. Frizzlefrom The Magic School Bus showed mehow redheads could be wild and crazy while doing extraordinary things, all thewhile look like a regular person to the outside world. Picture books showed meother redheaded children. When I got older my mother gave me a book ofphotographs called Redheads by JoelMeyerowitz that showed me every kind of redhead in every style and situation.They were moms and dads, funny looking, professionals, artists, punk andgrunge, sophisticated, and quirky. I learned that I could be many differentthings and still be a redhead.

Movies, like books, showed me whoredheads could be. I remember watching Anneof Green Gables with my parents. I listened to Anne when she would tellpeople how to spell her name with an ebecause “the e makes Anne look fancy.I do sometimes like to pretend I’m fancy.” My middle name is Anne and I, likeAnne Shirley, make sure they know that there is an e because that makes it special. When I saw Pippi Longstocking I was sure I had found my equal. She waspowerful but vulnerable, she saw the world how it should be, and she had thepower to enrich or destroy and always saw who people as they truly were withoutloosing who she was. She was my quintessential redhead.

As I grew up, carrying Anne andPippi along with me I learned more of the rules and laws that would shape mylife as a redhead. I learned that my hair connected me with people likeElizabeth I and Joan of Arc (who are both depicted as redheads) and so I mustacknowledge that connection with every other redhead on the planet. When I meeta new person who is a redhead I must wait (three seconds usually) and see if wewill be friend or foe for all redheads when confronted with another redhead candetermine if they will love each other or hate each other. One of my JuniorHigh teachers was a redhead and on the first day of class we realized that wewere not going to get along so I sat in a corner and she kept her distance. Asa redhead I am given power to affect others. There have been times when I haveused this power to do good and others when I have not. At an early age Irealized that I could affect someone’s life without ever looking like I didanything. This allowed be to get back at people who were mean to me withoutgetting caught but I also learned that I had to be careful how I used that power.

I am grown up now. In lots of ways Ido not show the same extremes in being a redhead that I once did, I don’t workto destroy people and I am calmer and do not blow up like my hair suggests. Istill live different personas of redheads, and feel connected to the redheadsthat have gone before me. All of these things have provided me strength andcourage. Above all I remember:

I AM A REDHEAD, SO ACT LIKE IT!!

Pot Luck Fun

2011-12-06T16:10:00.001-07:00

So my ward once a month has a potluck dinner. This time I sat with one of the counselors two girls. It was so much fun. I started talking to the oldest (around 10) about what she was reading. I found out we were reading the same book! That proves it, I have the mentality of a 10 year old. The younger one decided to try and sneak up on me and scare me. I in turn began to corrupt them. It was so much fun to play with kids and forget how old I am. I hope they come next month as well.

Stories

2011-12-06T16:03:00.001-07:00

So I have been having lots of things happen. I have been working on the stories of my life. Many of the stories I have are funny and I have told but I am learning about all of the stories I didn't know I had. I have been writing and writing stories about my family, me in school, the time I spent at the Day-care. I am now so interested in all of the stories that I may have forgotten.

What stories do you remember or have? Please comment and help me remember.

2011-09-09T14:34:00.001-06:00

I am sitting at my desk.
I am typing on my vintage Mac.
I am sitting in my office full of pictures and stuff.
I am looking out onto beautiful University of Alberta campus and downtown.
I am listening to wonderful music on my iPod.

I am realizing how lucky I am to be here doing what I am doing but there is something that is pulling at me from the shadows. It is slippery and elusive like the Loch Ness Monster. It teases me with its presence and non-presence. I can't catch it but I know that it is there. I am trying to fight it off but I know that at some point it will spring from the shadows and envelop me.

The comfort that I have is to live in a fantasy world. Not one where I can fly and do what ever I want (not that that sounds bad). In my fantasy world I am everyone I want to be, powerful, purposeful, self-assured, confidant, productive, brilliant, fully loved, beautiful, and meaningful. I may be all of these things in small portion but in my fantasy world I am all of these all of the time in great amounts. I have wondered if my mind is slipping because I have these fantasies but then I remember that I don't care.

Now I officially leave the harsh reality to reside fully in the fantasy.

Red Hot Cohort

2011-07-19T09:50:00.002-06:00

Sometimes you don’t know when magic is happening. Sometimes it takes a while before you realize that you are experiencing a moment you will remember for the rest of your life. Sometimes, however, it is not hard to see it. Sometimes the power of it overcomes you so much that you must remind yourself to breath. Sometimes it’s magic.

Red cohort, A.P. Group, overachievers. We went by many names but what we really were was almost never spoken. Perhaps it was because if we said out loud what we were it might go away. For two years we laughed together, cried together, made fools of ourselves in front of each other. We celebrated when someone found out they were pregnant. We went to each other’s weddings. When there was death we supported, cried, and cared for one another. We lifted each one up on their journey, for as we did so for the one, we did for the whole.

Other groups did not have this magic. Perhaps the magic came by but no one noticed it and so it left without making much of an impact. We thirty-five “Teachers in Learning” let the magic grow and tie each of us together. When our time was almost at its end we could feel the magic start to search for a new place to grow. We trapped as much of it in a book that would work as a communicator to each one within its pages. We succeeded.

The days of being together everyday are gone but the book keeps us together. We stay in touch over e-mails, quick visits, Facebook, blogs, and phone calls but it’s not the same. But when anyone of us flips through the pages and lets out a little of the magic contained within, suddenly thirty-five friends are there to give a hug and talk about your life.

A look back one year

2011-07-13T07:18:00.000-06:00

So today is my twenty-fifth birthday. So far in my short life I have seen horrors, I have felt love, I have been truly alone, I have been comforted, I have given, I have taken, I have been proposed to but have not felt true love, and I have carried hope and faith with me everyday.

I sit in an apartment in Kowloon overlooking Hong Kong Island with some of my dearest friends. I have always tried to work hard and become the person I would like to be but have just never been able to find the space to do it. So many times I have prayed that I could have something happen to me that I could just remove myself from my life and become a better person. God has given that time to me. Many of the things that I have always wanted to do in my life I have been able to do here.

The past year has been hard. This time last year I had just graduated, moved home, and was looking for a job. I did not find one. I did get an offer for North Slope Alaska but decided that it was hard enough for me to meet people, why make it harder. I took a job at the daycare that I have worked at off and on for the last six years. I had a best friend. I will always be grateful for that time because I was able to learn so many things from the relationships that I had with people there. The friendship didn’t last but I was able to learn valuable things from those experiences. Some dear friends offered to take me to Hong Kong with them and I gladly said yes!!!

The time in Hong Kong has showed me what truly makes me happy. It’s like the best vacation that no one ever takes. I got accepted to the University of Alberta in Canada but am trying to hold off on thinking about that too much so that I don’t forget the things I am working on here.

I don’t know what is in store for me in this next year but I do know this much. The things I have learned in this past one will resonate through out the rest of my life, my family (both by lineage and friendship) are what keep me happy and the things that make a good life are not the things that you think of when you are making lists and goals and other peoples expectations of you. I thank God every day for the blessings that he has given to me, the most important one being place in this family surrounded by such wonderful people of all walks. My hope for the coming year is that I will be able to make not only these people proud but also myself proud and return to he that has given me all of these blessings. I love you all.

"I want to see the Temple. I'm going there some day . . ."

2011-05-05T04:13:00.001-06:00

This free invitation made with Smilebox

For Stephanie: Transcendence

2011-03-04T23:00:00.001-07:00

She would often yell into the universe as a young girl questions that she knew had no answer. People always tried to give her answers, and they often sounded right, but she knew in truth that there were no answers to her questions. There was no solution to the puzzle, no fix for the broken, and no answers for the questions. She had found a strange comfort in this realization. If there were no answers then she could never be wrong. She could never fail to get it right. She could continue to go through life admiring the amazing ways in which the universe could destroy every beautiful thing just to build it back up and destroy it again. Her life had been like one big experiment by an evil ten year old mad scientist. That was how she liked it.

When she got older she started to wish that there could be just one answer. She didn't care what question it answered as long as there was an answer. She started going out into the world to look for answers. It was rare when she would find one, but when she did she would embrace it and explore it and memorize it so that she could one day use it to answer a question she never knew she had.

On this day, she had not been asking a question or trying to solve a puzzle. On this day she was just walking hoping that the magical universe where answers come from would descend upon her and take her where things have meaning. She didn't think that it would happen, but she hoped.

She had driven out of the city, out from the towns and noise and invisible foam that always seemed to explode out like a fire extinguisher handled by a seven year old to coat every person, place, and thing. Most signs of modern man were left behind, when the smooth pavement was the only sign of the century of which she lived, she left her car and continued on Mother Nature's pavement. She knew that no one should ever hike alone, especially somewhere they didn't know, but she had survived enough girls camp expeditions to know how to get lost and found all before dinner time. The ground was not as uneven as she had expected, which allowed for the roots of the trees to spread and cross like the fingers of two young lovers who are being watched by parents to much to do anything but hold hands. As she walked she could almost feel the trees smile at her and invite her to come farther in. Every tree was like an elder telling her their stories of their life in that place. The old skin of their bark reminded her that beauty was only a word invented by those who wanted to separate what was ugly. This place was not beautiful, it was not ugly, it simply existed and preserved the history of the world.

The wind was not strong but danced playfully around her, mixing her smell with theirs. She took great lungfuls of air into her, and with each one it connected her to them. Each breath transformed her into part of this place. She almost stopped to check her hair for budding leaves. The wind brought with it bits of all the trees, the animals, the moss, the dirt, and all those who had been there before her. It was cool and warm in that magical way when the world can't decide if it wants to be summer or fall and so decides to be both. Now and then, when she would not breath but smell the air, it would carry to her reminders of other magical places she had been. It reminded her that all of those places were connected through the wind that would carry a bit of each of the places to the others and keep them as one. She would stop and exist in more than one place at that time.

She wished that there was some way for her to take the magic from this time and place and take it with her like an iPod that could be called upon to make her day better and be returned to this place to be recharged for another tour of service. She wished that there would be someone who could remind her of this moment when life yielded no answers, who could fight through those moments of darkness and remind her that there was still magic in the world. She found a knot of intertwined roots that allowed her to lie in them and become part of the network of trees that now felt like loving grandparents. She soaked in her time here and everything this place had brought to her.

She savored each step, smell, sound, touch as she made her way back to her world of no answers or solutions. Just as she could start to make out her transport away from this world she could feel the wind and the trees begging her to stop, for her to take something from them to act as a channel between her and this world. She was part of them now just as they were part of her. She bent down and plucked a small stone from the floor that had guided her feet. A portion of bark extended from a tree as a gift that she warmly accepted. With her two reminders of her time spent here, she drove her now alien car back to her world. With her answers in her pocket she smiled. She would come back again.

The Clock Strikes 12

2011-02-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

The clock flashed 12:00. It had been flashing like that for a few days and She hadn’t set it. It was easier to believe that time had no impact on her life when the clock flashed. As soon as those sinister glowing numbers stopped it was like their bright luminescence focused to burn away all possibility and fantasy. That light would wake her up to reality of what her life had become.

As far as lives went, hers was not a terrible one. She was loved by family and friends. She had people who depended on her and thought her wonderful. She was involved in lots of activities and projects. She cared about a lot of people. None of that was why she had chosen to stay in this space where time had no meaning. She knew that she shouldn’t feel as though she was an extra in her own life movie, but she did. She had allowed her life to become like the doilies that grandmothers put on every surface, unnecessary when it came right down to it. People would be able to survive without her, and she could survive without them. In this place, where the demonic glow of flashing numbers is the only thing to remind you that somewhere time passes, she realized why everyone would be fine without her. She was scared!

She had always been seen as someone who could do anything with seemingly no fear. She had pulled that off because if the worst ever did happen she knew people would get along and so why not take a risk. What no one ever saw was the permeating fear that dripped and coated everything she did. It was like having the ultimate Midas Touch. Everything she did seem to look good, but it was all to distract from the ugliness underneath. She knew no one would understand why she was so afraid if they knew that the thing she feared most was love and caring. Two things that in every depiction seemed warm and soft and desirable above everything else. What she saw was the chance for pain, the fire that made love seem warm, the barbs that made caring hold on. She knew that if she ever gave into any of that then the flam and the barbs would destroy her. Suddenly, without her, no one would get by. If she cared or loved anyone in a real way then that would mean that her world would run the risk of going up in flames.

She was scared, of loving someone, of letting someone love her. She couldn’t figure out how to love someone so much that it would hurt without getting hurt. Since she couldn’t figure that out she decided to stay here.

The numbers still flashed. The light hit her face and for a brief second she could pretend that it was the light of love, a love that could burn and not scorch. She sat in the dark with only that weak light to keep her company for as long as the sun hid. Morning came and just as she was about to reach up and silence the singing numbers enticing her to stay in the land of no time, her phone rang. She had forgotten it and had to search to find the source of the music. When she answered, time stopped for another reason. From the voice traveling across time and space, she felt the flames and the barbs. But, she was wrong; they were not flames and barbs that came with love and caring. They were as the heat of an embrace made selflessly and the points of pussywillows. Time went on and so did she, but the clock still flashed 12:00 for every time she needed it to stop.

The Bench

2011-02-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

She often sat on this bench. The wood was old, the paint faded, but it fit here. In this park it was one of the oldest things here but somehow it had survived three high school keg parties, two mayoral renovation campanes, and countless couples breaking up and making up. It had stayed. She liked to sit here were you could only just barley make out the houses from the trees because of how they seemed to have grown together. She liked the open feild which despite the space never seemed to have a lot of sporting events or large gatherings on it. And the trees. She liked the trees because they looked like the bench. They were like old friends who have taken on the likeness of the other and so you can never picture them not existing together.

Today was the kind of day She liked most of all. The grass was still green despite the fact that the temperature had started its decent. There were people around but they were sparse and unique like the candy you find when cleaning a child's room. She was thankful that the sun was not out in fullness. It kindly had warped itself in a bathrobe of clouds which caused an overcast that allowed you to see everything but also let you look straight into the sky without risk of harm. Being able to sit here in the late morning was one of many gifts of being at University. Time meant something different and if She was careful time would arrange itself in such a way that she would be able to take a walk down the old and cracked path that lead past the beloved bench onto more purposeful destinations for mothers and children and all those who had made connecting with the world into a social networking exercise.

She would come and sit. Sometimes She would read something, often taking brakes to look up and see what had changed when she hadn't been looking. Sometimes She would listen to music that matched the setting and her mood. Often She would sit with her head back and eyes closed taking in deep breaths of the thick air full of smells and texture and listen to the symphony of wind and laughter and trees and all things living would play for her. This would be the time when the magic would show its self to her. Today She followed people with her eyes as far as She could see as they walked by talking to friend in person or on phones, planning their lives, solving life's problems, or basking in newly found love. She smiled at each one. Most, like the bench, never noticed her but some would and give a smile or small nod in response.

She took everything in around her like a mythical wood nymph, watchful, protecting, happy. She noticed all of the colors and smells and textures. On those days when her light felt faded the bench would seem to wrap its self around her and protect her for a change. She knew She had magic but She never knew the power that She held. Much like trying to get a good look at yourself in the reflection of a spoon, She only ever got the vaguest notion of how staggering She was. She never brought anyone to the bench but when someone would sit down beside her She would smile, inviting them to realize the magic. Most would sit for a while and take a glimpse but they always left before her.

Some will ask how I know all this about a woman I have never spoken to. Most of the time my only answer is to smile. To some, I tell them about the bench that I sit on. Its not as old and does not live like hers does. I sit there to do my work and notice her. She sees everything but like a flashlight that makes visible all that is around the keeper, but to those who are on the edge of their beam, the keeper is the most luminescent. I sit on the bench, in her spot, when she is gone and keep it saved. This is where She sits. This is her bench.

Light Lost and Found

2011-02-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

It had been almost a year. The time had passed slowly and far to fast at the same time. She had thought she had done a good job of controlling her thoughts and covering the hole in her heart but as she sat on yet another bus traveling to her new home she was becoming aware how poorly she had done. The air was thick with the smell of past travelers coming and going from their lives and the activities that they engaged in the middle. The seats had the indentations of those with questionable hygiene practices. The windows didn't show much, not because of the late hour of the night, but because the remnants of traveled road were splattered across the edifice.

She didn’t notice any of this. She barely noticed the violent starts and stops of the bus. In the last year since she had lost her light she had worked hard to believe that it hadn’t mattered very much. She was over it. It no longer mattered. She was better off. She had heard characters on television recite these same lies to themselves over the years. She hadn’t realized at the time that she was giving Him her light. That was always something to be protected and cherished. She didn’t even know that she had such a special light until this moment. A year after, sitting on this repulsive bus and she finally realized what she had lost.

Of course she hadn’t really lost it. He had taken it and then used it like a child’s toy that you through and it sticks to the ceiling. It had been slow and covert but all the same He had done it. Just the memory of it made the place in her heart were her light used to be ache. The knife He had used to cut it out of her wasn’t like a regular knife. This knife had been made to look like it was soft, caring. This was a knife that looked like it could heal the world. In the end it did damage like any other knife. The one thing that was different about it was how it stopped the healing process after something was removed. She had tried to pretend that she was healing after that awful night, then all of the other nights that were awful.

It had been a year and she had stopped crying. She had traveled the world. She had moved to a new place were she found people who loved her more than she had ever thought possible. And yet that hole was still there, aching, and haunting. The light was gone all the same.

It was just then, sitting on that stinking bus, something happened. She realized that the hole had not healed not because it was still a hole, but because an illusion had been placed in the hole so that it could never be filled in. She would have to make a cut herself.

When she got off the bus of hygiene forgotten she went home and prepared to make the cut. She knew that like the first time it would hurt and push her to the brink of despair. It had to be done. She couldn’t continue to let this cancer fill her life. Her light may have been taken but she had heard stories were people had gotten a new light when theirs had been ripped from them. The new light was often brighter and more dazzling that the one they had lost. She had no hope of this happening but at the very least that space could fill with something other than the blackness that now filled the space.

The first cut was the hardest. She thought the pain would kill her but by the end she could already feel some healing happen. Days and weeks went by. To everyone else nothing had changed. She, on the other hand, knew that the hole was filling up. It was filling up with friends, good days gotten through, jokes made, goals made, and love shown. She thought that this was as good as she could ever hope for. She still didn’t have her light, that was gone, but she had the best one could have without light.

She was wrong. Her life was good. One year after her own painful incisions she meet a merchant. He didn’t know that he was a merchant but that didn’t change who he was. On that day She meet Him. Just as he didn’t realize that he was a merchant, she didn’t know that she was receiving a new light. She didn’t get it all at once but with each visit to the merchant she got a little more of the new light until there was the last bit of light to get. This last bit had a string. That string was attached to the merchant’s light. If she took this last bit she would be choosing to connect her light to the merchant’s forever, because it was only through the string that connected the two lights that either of them would ever work again.

On that day the light that came from those two hearts out shone the sun and it never dimed again.

Darkness on the edge of light

2011-01-31T13:32:00.002-07:00

She stood in the middle of the room. Her eyes closed so tight that they started to hurt. She knew that the light was on, that there was nothing in the darkness behind her eyes waiting to jump at her, and that good people existed all around her. She opened her eyes hopping to have the light dispel the darkness but somehow it stayed with her like an evil babysitter, watching, waiting, and needing to nothing more than to just be there to smile and remind that it was there.

"Isn't this party so much fun!?" For the third time her friend Andy had said this.

She smiled with mild enthusiasum and went to get some water. She wondered why she could not get into the fun of the party? She liked these people. She was healthy, for the most part. She had cool toys to entertain her. She was studying interesting things in University. She was important to so many people around her. They would come up to her and see her smile and listen to her stories and laugh and never knew about her constant babysitter. They never knew about how she would sit in the middle of her room and want so badly to run away into the beautiful stillness of the woods but could not seem to ever move even one finger to go. She knew that she was able to go off when ever she felt like it. She was no prisoner or slave or even in a full time job and still her babysitter stayed close and hugged her and whispered for her to "stay". She wanted to open her mouth and shout the darkness away but the babysitter would gently press a finger to her lips when they would start to open and remind her that no one liked someone who yelled.

So she stayed silent and smiling. The only thing that made her happy was to watch for other babysitters of darkness who would try and whisper to the others around her. She would find them and work hard destroy them. A few times she was able to do this and then the darkness would be replaced with a beam of light that no darkness would dare come near for fear of destruction. And still hers stayed. How it could survive was a mystery to her.

After many years of this she had gotten so used to the babysitter that she hardly noticed hers anymore until a light showed it for what it was. She looked around to see where the light had come from. She wanted who ever had the light to come back and destroy the darkness once and for all. The light faded and the babysitter came back but she was stronger now. She knew that she couldn't destroy the darkness by herself but she knew that someone had a light powerful enough to destroy it and that gave her strength.

She searched for that one with the power to shine light, and searches still. Every now and then she finds someone with a powerful light, or she sees the light she is looking for in a reflection but cannot yet find the one who hold the light. Every day she fights and searches. Every day she knows that it is out there and that she will be happy when she finds it. Until then she smiles and laughs and goes on with her life.

Only now she carries hope...

Mesmerizing Monday

2010-11-29T09:28:00.002-07:00

There are a few moments (a very few) in life that God gives you, when everything in life is good. It is a rarity and we must always be on the lookout for these moments so that they do not pass us by. I was sitting on the train this morning reflecting on the Weekend of Miracles (as it will forever be referred). I was able to arrange a flight down south to visit my family. I had sworn off the sardine like metal coffin we car airplanes after travailing for 25 hours from Hong Kong (and not being able to sleep the whole way) but apparently I had not had enough.

When I got out of customs I was greeted by six of my favorite people in the whole world. My cousin, her blessed angels for children, my aunt, and my mother. I was so excited when I saw the blond enthusiastic face of the oldest child that my heart nearly stopped when I saw her sister and brother next. I could have been happy then but there was more to come.

After they left my mother let me drive us both home (it felt good to drive American roads again). Many people knew that I would be coming home but it was a surprise to my Dad. He was coming out of the bathroom when I rounded the corner. It was like seeing a computer freeze up and then shut down. He froze unable to compute what was going on. When he came to he was thrilled. His elation never ended.

We had diner and Thanksgiving the next day. The next miracle happened that morning. I was showing him my pictures from the Thanksgiving that I had done in Canada. When we were done he asked "how can I see these when your gone?" "You could join Facebook?." I replied half joking. Then he said something that almost made all the breath in me leave, "Ok, sign me up." I could have choked.

The next day we went to St. George for a suicide run (that is where you go down and back in one day). My dad and my aunt went to a funeral for an old friend of theirs and Mom and I stayed with my grandparents. I had brought my computer and wanted to show them my pictures of the snow, my trip up, my office, and flowers from Hong Kong. I had a secret plan and set it in motion. "You know grandma, I won't be able to come down and visit as often anymore. Maybe twice a year. I would really like to talk to you more often but international calling is just so expensive. I Skype with mom a few times a week and wondered if I gave you my laptop if you would let me Skype you. The cousins here could help you. It's not hard." Everyone had told me that this would be a waste of time. There was no technology except a T.V. and Phone on the wall in their house. "How much would a computer cost?" What!? I thought. "Your only cost would be the internet. I will give you the computer and Skype is free." Then my grandparents launched into questions about, what is Facebook?, what was Google?, and what was texting (to which my grandmother leaned over and said "I know what texting is. Grandpa is the one who doesn't know." It looks like the plan worked. P.S. I will be getting a new computer at Christmas.

Sadly my time what up. We came home and my parents put me back on the plane up to the frigid north. The flight was good. The flight attendant was like an on-board comedian and kept things fun and lively. I thought that would be the end of my story but then . . .

Sunday night I was chatting with a dear friend of mine from my college days. I can't tell you much because it is her story to tell when she wants but she told me that she was expecting. If you have ever seen me watch One Tree Hill, Clash of the Titans, Twilight, or any other movie where I react above and beyond. Take that image and times by ten. Thats how happy I am.

I got off the train and came to my office. All the while thinking about how lucky I am that God blesses me so much. Perhaps life resembles a soap opera (mine sure does an awful lot) and something will go wrong. No one can have so much happiness, right? Until that happens I am living high and savoring every moment of it. I will share a little with you.

Facebook adds one more

2010-11-25T14:02:00.002-07:00

So I just set my dad up on Facebook. He was the last of his family to get on but he finally did it because I showed him my pictures on my page and he asked "How do I see those when you are not here?" I t0ld him what he would need to do to see my stuff and so he had me set it up. I love my dad who will do something that seems stupid to him because I want him to and he loves me!

Meaningful Monday

2010-11-08T11:16:00.005-07:00

While reading for one of my classes (I know, unusual isn't it.) I read an article about working with primary age students. This lead my brain to think of friends (in the most abstract form) at the daycare that I worked. Because my brain switches gears quickly it lead me to think about my friends that went through the Elementary Education Program with me (most of us graduated with our dignity and sanity intact, the jury's still out on me). This caused a flood of memories that were sparked by blogs and yearbooks of this amazing group. I know that I would not be the person you see today (this is were you have a pleasing picture of me in your head, STOP LAUGHING!). Here are some memories to remember.

Spiritual Sunday

2010-10-31T17:23:00.001-06:00

FAITH: A PRINCIPLE OF ACTION

“Now faith is the substance (assurance) of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11, first verse. I thought about that last night at 11:30 when I decided that it would be a good time for me to write my talk. After searching for inspiration by studying dance moves in the movie hitch I decided to try another tactic so I went for a long walk and listened to Barbra Streisand and found inspiration. I came home and started to read the first article in The Lectures on Faith and found what I was looking for.

In response to the quote I just gave it says, “From this we learn that faith is the assurance which men have of the existence of things which they have not seen, and the principle of action in all intelligent beings.” It was this second part that caught my attention. To think of faith not as something simply done or not done within the confines of our own minds, spirits, and bodies but as an action, a visible and physical act that others can clearly identify much like the act of jumping or skipping. A search on LDS.org yields this answer, “Faith is a principle of action and power. Whenever we work toward a worthy goal, we exercise faith. We show our hope for something that we cannot yet see.” I believe that this statement is talking about two things that we work for. The first I will talk on is that of working toward a worthy goal.

There are many times in our lives when goals are made. Things like getting an education, becoming an endowed member, going to the temple, getting married, raising a family, and earning a good living are often at the top of the goal lists. There are other goals, however, that seem smaller but require no lesser amount of faith. I am reminded of the story of Noah. Noah call the people to repentance and warned of a flood if they did not repent. They did not. Noah and his sons prepared for the flood by building an Arc or a boat to house the few righteous and the animals of the earth. The construction of such a vessel took a long time because they worked with there hands. Noah and his family had faith of what the lord said. It was through that faith that they worked and labored and were saved when the rains came to wash the uncleanliness from the world. Noah did not have proof that it would rain. He did not have Doppler readouts, weather maps, barometer readings, or any other way of knowing that we have today but he went forward in faith.

Four years ago I was attending Dixie State College in St. George, Utah. I was about to enter the Elementary Education program there when I got the overwhelming feeling that I should be part of student government. I felt gods prompting and blessing that this was what he wanted me to do (mostly because I did not want to do it). Regardless, I had faith in my heavenly father and I applied to be the communications vice-president. I had good ideas, good recommendations, I even had a long family and personal history with the academic advisor. I had faith that this was what heavenly father wanted me to do and so I prepared for what my life was surly going to become. Unlike Noah, my rains did not come. I did not get the position or any other. I worked and I prepared and at the end I got a banana split at Dairy Queen. I am still not entirely sure why the lord had me go through all of that but I believe that it shaped me in some way. Or perhaps I, like Abraham when he prepared to sacrifice Issac, needed to show that I had enough faith to simply do what was being asked of me. God does not always require us to fulfill the action but we must have faith to work toward that action.

The second aspect of faith as a principle of action that I feel is less often recognized is in reference to ourselves, our being, who we are. None of us are as of yet fully realized. We are still trying to figure out who we are in the way that God sees us. In 1Samuel chapter 16 verse 7 the lord tells Samuel “Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord ^aseeth not as ^bman seeth; for man looketh on the outward ^cappearance, but the ^dLord looketh on the ^eheart.” For the Lord seeth not as a man seeth. To become who our heavenly father sees us to truly be takes a great amount of faith. This is something that I am only now starting to realize. So often we go along writing a story for ourselves of who we are and who we are becoming. Sometimes that story is written trying to match Gods story of us. Sometimes that story better resembles the story Lucifer is trying to write for us. We must work in faith that when we strive to be what the lord would have us be that he will provide the way and the experiences we need to be who we truly are, who god sees us to be. There is no pattern clearly marked for us to achieve this. This may be why it is so hard some times to be who we truly are. We cannot see down the road, there is no teacher giving us directions of do step one then two then three and you will be who god knows you to be. It can be scary to walk down that path through the mists and darkness. Fortunately we have a rod to cling to help us navigate this question and uncertainty.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles on the 30^th of August 1992 at a single member fireside broadcast via satellite from Temple Square, Salt Lake City gave a talk entitled “Be a Quality Person”.

A few months ago, I had the opportunity of talking with a woman who was worried about how she might prepare to be a good wife. I told her, “Don’t worry about being a good wife. Concern yourself with life’s number one priority: being a quality person. If you are a quality person, you don’t have to worry about being a good wife, mother, daughter, Church member, leader, single, or community strength. If you are a quality person, you will be good in any situation in which you find yourself.”

Too often I have known people who have seen the task of being who God sees them to be as impossible. As soon as they have decided this the adversary tangles them in a web of self doubt and false promises. Soon they not only are not who God knows them to be but they also loose sight of the basic principles of humanity and become lost and discouraged. Often they leave the church and engage in unhealthy habits.

How then do we become a quality person and eventually our true godly selves? Elder Ashton gives these road markers:

1. If you have self-respect, you will take satisfaction in being well groomed and will not allow yourself to perform shabbily. You will continue to work toward high standards and goals to serve others, to continue and to practice self-discipline. You will not compromise your standards or beliefs.

2. A quality person is someone with integrity. To be worthy of the highest trust is a noble attribute and compliment. You will need to maintain confidences. Certainly it is greater to be trusted than loved. Truly happy persons will always be totally honest in their dealings with their fellowman.

3. A quality person will not be offended. In life there is no time for being hurt. There should be no time to be petty. A wise person will focus on principles of optimism and hope.

4. A quality person will develop the capacity to love and be lovable. We all need to take advantage of every opportunity to love with tenderness and sincerity. This will determine our eternal joys and progress. Ponder the truth that it is more important to love than to be loved.

5. A quality person will murmur not. He will not find fault or criticize, belittle, or nag. I admire Nephi, who never murmured. Instead he was positive and had no time for contention, discouragement, or apathy.

6. A quality person is one who has real faith. With true faith we will increase our meaningful relationship with God. This will develop and expand our knowledge that God is our father. He lives. He loves us. He hears our prayers and would lead us to eternal happiness. Remember that God and one are a family. What a comforting, heartening truth this is.

I have a friend who gods light shone from every cell. He had married in the temple and was realizing his potential to being one of Gods chosen. Little by little, however, he started to value the love of another woman over loving others. He started to hide things from other concerning this woman; he stopped working for his high standards and dropped out of college. He divorced his wife after it became more important to be loved than to love. He was offended by others criticisms of his choices. He left the church and finds false happiness in the fleetingness of temporal joys. It breaks my heart.

It is my hope that we will all strive to be quality people and lift each other up when that seems like a difficult task. Have faith that the Lord loves you and gives you experiences, trials, friends, family, wards, and callings to help you on your journey back to him. We do not walk alone if we have faith.

Thankful Thursday

2010-10-28T23:26:00.002-06:00

Today I woke up and was able to get lots of work done.
I was able to run and not get weary, walk and not get tired.
I was not able to get everything done on my list but I was able to get more things done then I have been able to for a long time.
At the end of the day I had a meeting for my church calling and instead of it being something to add on top of all of the stress it was something that calmed me and made all of the other work seem easy and worth it.
These are the things I am thankful for.

My First Date

2010-10-19T21:59:00.006-06:00

This is so that I can remember and so that everyone can join in my fun.

Who: Chris ( no last name for protection )

When: Wednesday October 13, 2010 - Friday October 15, 2010
Where: His house and Stake Center
What: Bishop's Ball Dance
Why: I have no idea... but no ones complaining.

Story:

I had just meet with the bishop who among other things asked me if I was going to go to the Bishop's Ball. I said "I wasn't planning on it. No one has asked me." To which he said "Well, expect one." I thought this was a long shot because I have never been asked out on a date and I was hopping that this bishop wasn't the kind to play matchmaker. (p.s. he didn't and isn't, thank goodness). Well later that night I was just getting ready for bed and my phone rang. I nearly jumped out of my skin because no one has called me in forever and I keep forgetting that people have my number up here.

Chris had a hard time getting out the question but eventually he did and I tried to not scream "YES!" before he finished asking. I was very cool. Ten minuets latter the panic set in. Most of it was because I kept thinking "What the Hell do I wear?" The day of I still had no idea. After spending many hours trying to find something, crying, sifting, and yelling I finally had an outfit. I spent a few hundred dollers but that was becuase I bought these fantastic black leather tall boots. They are amazing and well worth the money.

At six he came and picked me up and we went to his house were he made me dinner. Another couple joined us and it was very fun. Next he had gotten tickets to a classical acoustic guitar concert. It was soothing (we both almost fell asleep), so much so that a man who was sitting next to Chris actually did fall asleep and started snoring. It was so funny that Chris and I had to restrain ourselves from laughing out loud.

After that we went to the dance. Now if you have ever seen me dance you know that they make bad romantic movies about the kind of dancing I do. Those people often get slapped (Hitch). Never the less I did try and the slow dances were easier.

Then night was over pretty quick after that because it was like 1140 p.m. and he had to go to work at 5 a.m. He took me home and walked me to my door. I went inside and went to sleep. All in all it was a blast.

Here is another little tidbit. The night before the dance, as if getting asked out on my first date wasn't strange enough, another guy from the ward called and asked if I had been asked out. I said that I had and felt so bad that I had to turn him down. I have not talked to him since and really don't know who he is. I feel bad about that one and hope that I get to have another chance.

Well those are the facts and now you have felt my joy. Live long and prosper.

Fractions

2010-09-15T15:16:00.002-06:00

The clock ticks closer to 2:30. I sit across the room enjoying the softness of the couch cousins before my work begins. I start working in my head all the things I know about the subject of fractions and making lists of the ways that I can convey the information in my head to another person. After a few minuets I decide that I can’t work out anything good so I give up and decide I will just try to flow with my student and react to what she needs both in the moment and long term.

I hear a far away door swing, feet clomping, and strange silence. This is strange because usually the voice hits before the other sounds but today there is nothing. Solemnly my little friend walks into the room and lays down her backpack without taking out her customary fractions homework assignment. I frown thinking about how I will have to insist and convince my friend that she can do the work and have her reluctantly retrieve her work page. I don’t want to have this “fight”. She comes and sits down next to me sad and slouching and says “Eliza, I have some bad news”. I change my face to one of puzzlement and let her continue. “Eliza, you can’t help me with my fractions homework anymore”. Pause. “Why” I ask. “I know you love doing fractions but my class finished the unit and I can already do them”. She walks back to her backpack and sadly shows me the paper that shows that her grade has gone up in this area two FULL letter grades. “Why are you sad?” I exclaim. “This is wonderful!” “I know how much you like doing fractions and we don’t get to do them anymore”. With as much pride and warmth as I can convey I say “You know what I love more? That you are able to do fractions so well on your own that you don’t need me to do them with you anymore”.

She smiles and goes to put her paper away. With renewed glee she goes off to play throughout the classroom. I sit and watch as more children come in and ask me things and have problems that I have to solve. I know there will be more fights over homework, being nice to others, and treating toys well but just for a few moments I sit on a very comfy couch and laugh inside at the fact that my little friend believed my acting, that I LOVED fractions, and smile at the fact that she was able to overcome her own “stops” and raise her grade.

Bliss

First Day as a Canadian

2010-09-09T14:10:00.003-06:00

I am twelve all over again. That excited and yet scared feeling you get that makes you want to jump around the room and at the same time run away from the room because it is not a place for you, a kid. I am walking into a meeting quietly behind my mother. My mother is nowhere in the room and I am not twelve but I flash back to those times when I would go with my mother to a meeting where everyone was glad to see me but knew I was just a living ornament for my mother to show off. I know that this group does not feel that way about me but it doesn't matter because I feel that way. My Good Friend introduces me to the group warmly and everyone says hello to me but no sound escapes my lips, only a small smile and nod. We begin and I start to feel more at ease because I know a little about what is being talked about but still distant because I don't know what my role is yet in that dialog. The meeting ends faster and slower than I feel it should. Some of the people chat with me and seem really interested in who I am and express their excitement in having me work with them. I leave with the clear knowledge that I am no longer an ornament. I am Ornament Placer in Training. I walk away knowing that that room will be the same but will look completely different the next time I walk into it.

Summer Review

2010-09-03T18:16:00.002-06:00

This summer has been so much fun. After having the last year suck so much that I thought about committing a crime just so I could be taken out of it. I was so excited to be able to go to Hong Kong with some friends of mine. I spent a whole summer traveling, reading lots of books, eating new things, and just having lots of fun. When I came back I had to run around and get ready to movie again to Canada. I have loved to see all of my friends and family. It has been fun to travel and I know the next few years will be fun as well.

GRADUATION

2010-04-29T07:38:00.002-06:00

I just got my invitation for Stephanie's Graduation.

I am so proud of my friend!
Congratulations!

I am going to go down to St. George in a week and celebrate
with my friends.

Fun Weekend

2010-04-26T07:23:00.003-06:00

This weekend I went to St. George to hand with my friends. My cousin was also having a baby shower. It was so much fun and so full of food. I swear that I came back with a whole other person of food in me. I want to give a shout out to all of my friends that I saw and to the cosmos that provided the excitement.

I GIVE UP!

2010-04-22T11:01:00.002-06:00

Yes it is true. I have joined Facebook. I don't know why but I just got board and decided to do it to see what would happen. Also my ward is putting most if not all of their info on Facebook and so I am giving in. Strange I know.

New Plan

2010-04-21T08:40:00.006-06:00

Okay, I have been stressing out over whether or not to go to Massachusetts for grad school. Well I went to talk to a friend of my parents to ask her what was a good way to go and here is what I got out of my meeting with her.

I am NOT going to Mass.

This is a good thing! I have a new plan now and I think it will be much better. I am going to wait a year and (1) get a job in a treatment facility or at a mental hospital, (2) I might go and get my Special Ed. endorsement, (3) Save my money, (4) I am going to apply to new schools. The most expensive school will be 10,000 a year but that is still 15,000 cheaper than going to Massachusetts.

These are the schools that I am going to apply at:

I am excited to start this new course.

P.S. Also just you that you know who want to, my Best Friend Andrew and I are no longer friends. He has made decisions that I just can't be apart of but I am doing Okay (see above post).

P.S.S. Also I am now on TWITTER! Weird I know but if you want to hear all of my random thoughts then just check me out. Love

Massachusetts

2010-04-08T07:56:00.005-06:00

If I were a city I think I would look a lot like this.

The Airport. A good sign.

Check out the brick sidewalk.

These streets remind me of England. They are so narrow.

The Dorms!!!

The building on the right is were church is held
while the real building is under construction.

I am so happy that these flowers almost made me giggle.

The outfit for success.

The Divinity School

This is were I had my interview and were
my department is located. Awesome!!!!

My hair started out straight.
On my way home to Utah.

Oh and by the way... I GOT IN!!!!!!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

2010-03-24T10:35:00.002-06:00

Well I hoped it would happen and it finaly did. JFK University and Lesley University contacted me to set up interviews. I am going of to California on Friday and going out to Massachusetts next Tuesday and Wednesday. I am so excited. I don't know what will happen but it will be an adventure.

Thick as a Board, Light as a Feather

2010-03-16T17:46:00.002-06:00

OK. So more on the ways I am trying to move into a better ELIZA. My mom and I have been trying (like the rest of humanity) to lose some weight. I have not had a "real" job and so I have some time on my hands. We went to talk to our doctor and he put us on a drug called phentermine. We went on it right before Halloween. The loss has been small in number but big in success. I can say with pride that I have lost 30 lbs. I have been able to through away so many clothes because they just don't fit anymore. It has been amazing. I hope it continues. It doesn't seem like much when you do the math but if it means that I can seem normal, happy, and not look like a deflated old balloon when I'm done then I am all for it.

Movin' On

2010-03-15T11:19:00.003-06:00

"Days of Eliza's Lives" has been in full force. Just when things look like they are going to be a certain way, the ultimate joker changes everything. One thing that has changed is that I am now in the process of getting into graduate school. I have applied to four places, BYU (because of family), Argosy University in SLC, John F. Kennedy University in Pleasant Hill CA, and Lesley University in Cambridge MASS. The only school I have heard back from is BYU and they rejected me. No worries though I am still moving forward.

I have applied for some new jobs that pay me more than 8.50 like at the daycare. Two teaching positions in 3rd and 5th grade, and several executive assistant jobs. Things are tough but I am looking at any move and one in a good position.

Finally I have the biggest announcement of all. I AM READY TO DATE!!! I have always been leze fare about dating but recent events have encouraged me to go full force. I am not saying no to any option.

Things still resemble the pits of HECK (its a book. Sooooo funny) but I am having a blast with the new material for my jokes.

Morning Strole

2009-12-05T13:16:00.003-07:00

So my first morning back in St. George and I couldn't sleep so I got up at 5:30 a.m. and by 6 a.m. decided to go for a walk. This is what I saw...

Poff's Big Day

2009-12-03T21:56:00.004-07:00

The first day back in St. George
and this is what I came down for.
Good job Steph!!!

Fresh Pea Soup

2009-11-07T14:17:00.004-07:00

I have had this soup and now I have made it and its like I have died and gone to HEAVEN. Try it and enjoy.

olive oil

butter

1/2 white onion, finely minced

1 Knoor's Vegetable stock cube dissolved in 2 cups water

3 cups fresh peas (use frozen but thaw and rinse first)

Salt and Fresh Ground pepper

3 tblsp whipping cream

Place a dollop of olive oil in a sauce pan along with a knob of butter. When pan is heated stir in the onions and cook on medium heat until soft and clear. About 5 minutes. Add the stock and the peas, increase heat and bring to the boil. Cover the pan, reduce heat and simmer for about 20 minutes. Transfer to a blender and puree until smooth. Pour the soup through a fine mesh sieve (in batches) pushing the solids through with the back of a large spoon. Be sure to scrape off the soup from under the sieve. throw away remaining solids in the sieve. Repeat until all soup has been strained. Reheat until piping hot then pour into a wide mouth thermos and tightly seal. pour a little whipping cream into a small plastic bottle. After the soup has been poured into the mugs, drizzle a little swirl of the cream over the top.

Modern Family

2009-10-30T08:56:00.000-06:00

So this is how I would like to anounce a baby in my family. That will not happen for a long time but it is now a dream of mine. Enjoy!

PRAXIS

2009-10-27T10:32:00.003-06:00

So I got tired of not having my results from the PRAXIS that I took in the summer so I e-mailed the most wonderful person in the world, Deborah (I know I spelled her name wrong), to see if she would give me my results. I didn't expect anything back for a long time but she e-mailed me back within like 5 min. So here is the big news.

PASSED: 175

I am so excited I can't believe it. I expect to party when I come down to St. George.

When You Thought The World Wasn't Cool Enough

2009-10-26T08:00:00.000-06:00

Thanks D

EXTRAS

2009-10-18T11:48:00.005-06:00

So I was finally able to read a book in one week. As most of you know I have a strange compulsion to read a whole series even if I don't like one of the books. Having said this it should be understood that I still like reading these awful books.

Well I loved reading the Uglies series until I got to the fourth book of the Trilogy (or that was what it was supposed to be). In the first three books issues such as brain control, superficial stigmas, and what it truly means to be free are explored. In the forth book we depart from the main characters and move to Japan to learn what the world has become after everything has changed. I did not like the book because of several things that got overshadowed by one large problem. The end is CRAP!!!! The whole thing about these books is supposed to be about learning to make good choices and live a good life on this planet. Scott Westerfeld apparently got tired or thinks that this kind of a world could never happen and thinks we are doomed to end things badly that in this final installment he has all of the people submit to the plans of Extraterestials (people preparing for space with extreme surgery) and go up to live in a habitat in the earth's orbit just so that they won't kill the planet.
Well I have news for you Mr. Westerfeld. I haven't lost hope. We can survive this ridiculous life without going to live in space just because we can't trust ourselves here. We can make things work here instead of transplanting our underlying problems in another location. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!!!!!

INDIA

2009-09-22T09:41:00.003-06:00

Ok so I know I have been neglectful. Things have gotten better for me since I made some decisions about what I was going to do with my life. I will get into those later because my life is so different then it was just two months ago. Just so no one will call me hyperventilating, NO i'm not engaged, NO I did not get a teaching job, and NO I did not decide to become part of the Radha Krishna religion!

One of my friends came up and we went to this Inda Fest which was so much fun! The temple that it was at was so beautiful I didn't know anything like that was in the whole of Utah. While we were there we bouhgt the traditional outfit. (I will not try to spell it because it sounds like sorry) Part of the experiance was the food which was a Delicious hot multi- course meals of Indian curry with home made cheese (paneer), blueberry hallava, spicy Bengali rice, and giant lentil chips (papadams) and there were Indian drinks such as Peach lassi, and Nimbu pani, as well as sweets.

Well that is all for this post because I am in class and it is about to start. More to come on that! Remember, No matter what they do to you, Keep smiling!

CANADA

2009-07-14T09:25:00.008-06:00

Things I Bought...

Went with friends to get toes done

so I had to get shoes too don't ya know.

It was so cold I just had to get a new Jacket.

Life is so hard.

Better then M&Ms

Shows proportions of the world

Tooth Traditions From Around the World

During the one hour I let mom drive we

get lost. She bought me these earrings she

saw in a window when we got out to switch.

Tells different versions of the same story.

Paper made from Elephant Poo for dad

Now my collection is complete

Good food after all that shopping

Places I went...

University of Alberta

Edmonton Art Walk and Farmers Market

Street Performers Festival

What I came home to...

Flossy my new dog

Good Music

All the rest...

Nativities from all over the world.

If you want to know about

the whole trip you can request

the 100 page journal that mom

wrote every strange thing we did

and saw.

P.S. Sean and Paul's wedding was

wonderful. I am so happy for my two friends.

First Week at Home

2009-05-27T11:30:00.006-06:00

Life has been hard. This is what has kept me going. Sad I know but at least their is only one direction to go now.

End

2009-05-19T10:04:00.002-06:00

Well the end has come. For most this passing will not make any more impact then one tear dropped into the ocean. For most lives will continue as if nothing had been changed by its beginning. For those of you that this holds true I feel sorry. If your world is never moved by something no matter how fleeting then that world will stop being livable.

My world has been changed. For the last two years I have been blessed with one show that has given me reason to cry, yell, sing, dance, curs, hug my friends, and feel lucky to have the life I live. Some have told me that becoming attached with people and a story that is not real is crazy and even unhealthy. I believe that if one cannot show emotion for even the smallest of things then how can one have deep emotion for the bigger things.

Emotions do not always have to be those of good. It was once said that "at every sad ending their is an even greater beginning". I am still in the ending so I am just waiting for the beginning to start but before the "NEW" can come I must honor the past by holding to the memories that were really what made this special.

Sitting with my friends to share in common moments.
The first time Nathan kisses Haley
When Brook loves Sam enough to freely let her to live with her birth mother
The nights before papers were due watching the fictional lives of others with bigger problems
The hope I got that even a nerd like Haley could find all those things that we are all looking for

Lastly the shared love between these friends (both fictional and those who watch the fictional) that helped them through the most unimaginable of situations

Life is hard to get through but without the small things that can bind us together that life can never about to more then one of wanting. At this end I look to the new beginning that is ahead with a more open spirit, a more open heart, and with the love and lessons that I will forever carry with me.

What My Dad Sends Me

2009-04-13T22:52:00.002-06:00

Just in case you think the world has lost a little of its magic I hope this shows you that the magic of playing in the sand is still alive.

Enjoy

Sad and True Visiting Teaching

2009-04-01T16:55:00.001-06:00

Fashizzle

2009-03-23T15:12:00.000-06:00

So one of my dad's favorite songs is I Can Change by John Legend featuring Snoop Dogg. Well for some reason he wanted the lyrics to it and so I told him how he could get them off the internet.

I almost wish that I had not done this because he then read them to me. With the music this song is amazing but with my dad's matter of fact tone the lyrics almost sounded perverce. He asked me what "Tripping off" and "Hizzle" ment. If you want an out of body experiance all you have to do is try to explain those words to your parents. ACK!!!

Since then he will send me e-mails and things using those words. He has even gone as far as found an online slang dictionary that he uses. When he hears one of his students use a word that is hip then the will find out what it means and then try and use it.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. (Most of the time I do both)

Here is the song that started it all

A Day Out

2009-03-16T18:25:00.007-06:00

Work in Progress 4

2009-03-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

I knew that this facade was too much to be true. This was that time when she would ask for my qualifications and tell me that she would be watching me (no doubt waiting to pull her son out of my class for my incompetence).

“I assure you that your son will receive the best education in my class.”

“Oh yes, I am not worried about that at all.” She saw the brief flash of incredulity. “Can I ask how much you know about my family?”

“I’m sorry but I know very little about your family. I don’t pay much attention to what happens out side of my classroom and my students.” Now she had to change the look of wonder. I was surprised when that look turned into one of almost glee. “I’m sorry. I …”

“No, No. Please don’t apologize. It is so nice to finally meet someone who has not heard about every little detail of my life whether true or not.” She suppressed a little chuckle. I sat in silence waiting for her to continue.

“I actually came to talk to you about my son. His father, my husband, died one year ago this past August. Alex took Williams death every hard.”

“I’m so sorry. May I ask how it happened?” I did not expect an answer but was glad when she looked at me willingly.

“William had a sudden stroke. It was such a shock. Alex was in the house at the same time it happened but thankfully he did not see it happen. A maid came in to clean the room and found him.” There was no strain in her voice. She spoke with calm acceptance. I could only imagine that it was from having to be strong for her son and I felt a sudden rush of pride to be sitting with such a strong woman.

“I am so sorry. How is Alex doing now?” I was now truly interested in the life of this little boy who had to live with all of this wile being in the public eye.

“He is doing much better. At first I kept him at home because I thought it would be too hard for him to be around the questioning eyes of other people. Now I see that I might have been just keeping him home because I was not ready to let him go.” Her eyes were unfocused now like she was looking at something that was too far for me to see. It was a long time before she seemed to realize my presence again. She gave her head an infinitesimal shake; bring her back to the present.

“My husband was a good man with many responsibilities. I have taken over many of those responsibilities because Williams’s brother was not yet able to. James was William’s brother and they were very close. James has become like a second father to Alex. They adore each other. Sadly now that James has taken over for his father he and Alex have not been able to be together as much.”

I did not speak. I was not getting much information that would impact my teaching greatly but I felt that she was not speaking for my benefit as much as she was speaking for her own. I guessed that it had been a long time since she had met anyone who did not already know these things and that would listen to what she had to say. I would let her say what ever she needed to so that she could be comfortable with her son in my class.

“With James gone so much now I thought that it was time for Alex to be with people his own age. You were the teacher that I found.” Another incredulous look glittered past my face. “Oh yes, I did my research. You are a fairly new teacher but I have talked to some parents of your past students and they all said how wonderfully sensitive you were to their children. That is why I made sure that my son was in your class. I knew that you would look at him and not judge him on what other people say.”

“Thank you. I am flattered. From what you have told me about your son I know that he will do well in this environment.” I hoped that wile I said this that I was not blushing but I could feel my face burn with the blood that was rushing to it.

Mrs. Bren smiled. She apparently was pleased with how I took her complements. “James might come and pick up Alex every once in a wile. It is something that they both look forward to. Will that be a problem?”

“No, no problem. I would appreciate meeting him. I always make sure that my students are being picked up by someone familiar. Their safety is a priority of mine.”

“Certainly. I will have James introduce himself. Alex, clean up please. It’s time to go.” She smiled as she got to her feet.

“Say thank you to Miss Marz.”

“Thank you Miss Marz. See you tomorrow.” We waved at each other and smiled. I knew that Alex and I would be good friends but I could also tell that this would be a kid that I would do anything for.

A Work in Progress 3

2009-02-16T19:47:00.001-07:00

The rest of the afternoon had a strange ominous feel about it. I had never had a parent come to talk to me the day before their child come into my class. I usually contacted them as soon as I found out about an addition to my roster. Despite all of my assertions that this family was no different then any other I knew that this mother would expect me to act differently around her and her son. Not that I was about to do that.

I was working on preparing for the next days activities when I heard a faint knock on my door. I knew it was Gillian Bren only because I did not hear a child yell my name immediately after the knock. I turned to look at the woman that I was sure would make my teaching more difficult. Mothers like her often wanted teachers to go through ever educational distinction with them so that they could tear down your strategies and make suggestions that they were sure that would be so much better. I had pictured as having big blond hare and every part of her appearance carefully constructed. I was shocked then to see that she was not that way at all.

Gillian Bren had the look of a woman who had been tested. She was not sloppy in any part of her appearance but at the same time she looked like someone who was more concerned with the work to be done then what color her nails were. She was slightly taller then the average woman. Her features were nice but not totally uncommon. Her shinny brown hair was in a simple twist that leads into a ponytail that curled in a beautifully natural way. Her suite was also very nice and even though I knew that it must have cost more then most of my own closet it was not ostentatious.

“Miss Marz? May we have a moment of your time?” she asked in a way that let me know that I was free to say that I was too busy.

“Of course. You must be Mrs. Bren. ” I hoped my tone was one of ease instead of betraying my surprise at the woman that stood before me.

“Yes. My son Alex will be coming to your class.” Just then I saw the small child that stood behind her. He poked his head out from behind his mother just enough so that I could see one half of his face. His dark hair was short and had been parted on one side. He wore a very simple charcoal suit like those that are worn for pictures. He looked like his mother but in his eyes I could see strength not exactly like his mothers. This was not strength that had been born out of pain or grief but was there from birth.

“You must be Alex. I am Miss Marz.” I gave him a soft smile but did not move.

He moved out from behind his mother then so that I could see him straight on. He stood and looked at me like an equal. On the surface he looked much too old for his years. He gave one fast glance to the whole room and then looked back at me. I saw then the boy that wanted to be.

“Would you like to walk with me and I can show you the room?” He gave a fast nod and took a few steps toward me. “Good. Do you like to draw?” I talked only to him now. I showed him where students work went, the reading area, the group area. At last I showed him the place for hands on learning. “Do you like to build things?” At this his face lit up and for the first time I saw the smile that would melt stone. I showed him where the blocks were.

“Alex, Miss Marz and I are going to talk over here ok?” Mrs. Bren got barley a nod from her son before she turned to me. I gestured her to where I usually talked to parents. We walked across the room to where my desk was.

What Now

2009-01-30T17:48:00.002-07:00

I have been trying to come to terms with what my life is now. I hasn't changed much but it feels like it has. For as long as I can remember I have been working for this goal of getting through school. I have been taking classes and having to answer to someone. Now all of the sudden it has stoped. This last week I took my last final at Dixie. To make up for all of the free time I have taken naps, cleaned my room, and watched as my appartment building has gone to peices. I like it but I know that now is when I will truly have to grow up and we all know how well I have been able to do that so far.

A Work In Progress 2

2009-01-17T23:39:00.003-07:00

Adam was changed to Wyatt and Eliza was changed to Anne.

Everyone at school could not believe that I was not totally in love with him because he was so good looking. Wyatt had been a basketball player in high school and had managed to keep that figure. I on the other hand had never played a sport and it showed. I was slender but not to the point of emaciation. It was clear that my priorities were more for what made me happy instead of what size my waist was.

“Anne!”

“Hi Wyatt.”

By his tone I could tell that he was excited about something but I didn’t know how much of that excitement was about me, about something he wanted me to do, or about something that I no longer had to do and that made me a little nervous.

“Did you hear yet?”

“Hear what?” I said in a suspicious tone. It was early November and I knew that his family was coming into town. I was afraid that he would want me to spend the whole time with his mother so that she wouldn’t ask about his love life. I had done that once before and I vowed never to do it again.

“You are getting a new kid in your class!” He waited for me to show shock on my face but it never came.

“Do you know who the kid is? Alex Bren. Of the millionaire Brens.” Still no reactions crossed my face.

“Am I supposed to know that name?

“My goodness you can be clueless sometimes. Alex Bren was the grandson of Alexander Bren. The whole family made a fortune on the down market. Something to do with business brokering or something, anyway Alexander’s son William was all set to take over when he suddenly died last year. His wife Gillian has had to take over a lot of the responsibilities while Alexander’s other son James prepares to take over.”

“Well that is all fantastic but Alex is just a kid. He is no different then anyone else in my class and I will treat him the same.” I truly did believe this and as I told Wyatt I was aware of just how true it was. I didn’t care who this kid’s family was or how much money they had. I didn’t let things like that distract me from my routine and that was not going to change.

“Oh Anne I know that. I just thought that you ought to know something about this kid before his mother comes to see you after school today.” That put some shock into my face. Wyatt could see that this was new to me and a little grin crossed his face. “Well then, let me know how it goes.”

See my other works in progress. Page One and Page Two

Blessings from Below

2009-01-15T13:44:00.002-07:00

I went to school this morning and thought that today was going to be an okay day. Once I got about half way through and I knew that today was going to be a pain. I had no hopes that things were going to go my way or any good natured persons way untill I got to my computer.
The internet at my apartment has been down for six days now. I have not been happy about it. When I got home and turned on my computer the internet was in full force. As if that were not enough to make me the happiest person on the planet, when I went around to tell everyone in my building a girl in one of the apartments said that she had something for me. To my surprise she pulled out my DRIVERS LICENCE. I had lost it two weeks ago at Shell Gas Station. She had found it in our parking lot. I have never been so convinced that the Lord is looking out for me because I am just not that lucky. Even if the world were to destroy me right now I would still be happy.

PARTY

2009-01-01T13:19:00.003-07:00

This is like parties at my house.

Yes even with the twiggs.

CHRISTMAS AND THE GIVING OF GIFTS By Fred Pinnegar

2008-12-23T11:49:00.002-07:00

The mythical ethos of Santa Claus is an important part of the Dutch Christmas, transported to the New World in the 18th century by Dutch immigrants to the New York area and popularized by 19th century writers and poets in New York. For example, the familiar “Night Before Christmas” poem (written by C.C. Moore, a professor of Biblical Literature, in New York in 1823) scripts the main features of the holiday by describing the visual appearance, actions, and character of Santa Claus, as well as the appropriate reaction to him. I like Santa Claus. He is an important part of the celebration of Christmas in my family tradition (English, Swedish, Scots), and I won’t allow him to be denigrated in our house.

Perhaps you like to do things differently in your home. There is no one, right way to celebrate Christmas, and we can waste a lot of spiritual and emotional energy worrying about how others keep or don’t keep it. If we wanted to be exacting and snobbish, we LDS wouldn’t do anything at all at this time of year, but save our Christmas spirit for April

The origin of the custom of gift giving at Christmas may be scripturally based in the visits of gift bearers to the recently born Christ child, particularly, the shepherds and the Wise Men from the east, as described in Matthew and Luke. They brought the gifts as a sign of respect and adoration. The gifts the Savior would have us bring to him today are a contrite spirit, broken heart, and willingness to serve.

There are many references in both ancient and modern scripture to various kinds of gifts and to the appropriate giving of them. Some gifts are problematic, as described in Moroni 7: 6-10, 30, or Matthew 12: 35-36. We exchange gifts with everyone with whom we come in contact. Evil people almost instantly give themselves away by the kind of language they want to share with us. I admire what the father of a former ward member said: “I got away from those people because I didn’t like the way they talked.” What is it that makes a gift “evil?” It might be a gift which is grudgingly given, or a gift which is inherently evil or improper in some way, such as knowledge of how to make money withoutworking, dirty stories, or malicious gossip.

In contrast, what are some of the good gifts we can give or receive from others, gifts of empowerment? The work we perform to earn money is a gift to our family. The work we do around the home to make it a place of comfort and joy is a great gift. The time we spend attending to the needs of family and friends. The smile, and the extended hand of friendship and fellowship, as well as goodwill, benefit of doubt, and trust are all gifts that don’t cost much and that we can give and receive all year around, in the true spirit of Christmas, unilaterally, with no expectation of getting anything in return. To me, your presence in my life is always the best present.

Make it a happy season.

The Christmas Wish

2008-12-21T10:09:00.004-07:00

As I sat alone and oh so cold.
I saw a boy who told
Of a wish he held to him so dear
He hoped that Santa someday would hear.

His dearest dream was to meet the Queen
And ask one question true.
He had searched far and wide but had not seen
The man that always flue.

Now why this matters I know not,
To search for someone whose never been caught,
To long to see a dream,
I asked him "What could this mean"?

Then he said something I'll never forget.
He looked at me with such deep serene.
He asked me if I ever regret
Losing faith in the one known as The King?

I stood their and stared,
Then suddenly got scared,
He looked so sad and displeased
Then asked if I had ever believed?

I squeaked out a yes and did my best
To secure his faith their in,
But since that day when he went away
I see it was me he saved that day.

By the kids at Kinderland

Day in the Life

2008-12-18T13:32:00.001-07:00

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Ugh. This is always the hardest part of my day. I twist my body so that I can hit the snooze button on my alarm. I expect my hair to be in my face but instead I have arranged the semi-curly red mass into some kind of ponytail on top of my head sometime in the night. I wish I could just lie in my bed and not face the emptiness that my life has become. “NO” I say almost in anger. My life is not empty. It’s very full with responsibility, work, and what ever the entertainment industry can cook up for me to be interested in. I take a minuet to look at my surroundings before my alarm clock rouses me again. Everything is so dark. It’s only six in the morning and I am glad that the sun hasn’t come up yet. With the sun always comes the day to day things that you must do like trash, dishes, and people. Not like the few minuets before the sun when things still seem possible and the world seems magical. I can feel my room with all of its clutter resembling a real life as I stay in the same obstinate position in my bed.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

My over sized tee-shirt bunched around me reminds me that the time has come and I can’t ignore it any longer. I get up and my feet touch the old carpet like it has needles on each strand. I make my way to the bathroom to start my routine without thinking. I left my consciousness in my room. When I am finally done I to go to my bedroom window; even through the blinds I can see that it is going to be a sunny day but as I open them fully I see that the hope of clouds are in the distance. Since I was a child I have always felt that the overcast days are special. It keeps that early morning possibility alive long after the day has started. After ten minuets I look at my clock.

“Shoot”.

I have only ten minuets to get dressed, get something to eat, and get to work. I pull on the first appropriate outfit I see in my closet. Checking my watch I decide all I can have is a tall glass of orange juice. I almost run to my 92’ Mazda Protégé. I still cringe at the single white passenger door that is so obvious against the rest of the turquoise exterior.

The good thing about my car is that it has speed. I got to work before anyone else. I am a grade one teacher at the Leavitt school in Seattle. I have been teaching for only two years. I still look at my name plate that makes me feel official that says:

Teacher
Eliza Marz

I walk into my small but comfortable classroom. It is one of those great classrooms that as an adult you always remember because everything on the walls were things that you had done; so the class felt like it belonged to you. I keep to myself for the most part so it wasn’t until lunch when I got to talk to my best friend Adam who teaches in one of the fourth grade classes. Adam is one of those people who baffles people because he is still single. Adam and I first meet on my first day of training at the school. He was there but I didn’t realize until later that he was their to train me and was not one of the newbies. He was so nice asking me all about myself. He took a real interest. He asked me out on a date a few times but after we both realized that were better friends and so we became the best

A Work in Progress

2008-12-15T19:05:00.002-07:00

Preface

All my life I have been one of those people obsessed with order. Even when life doesn’t have any order I must find the pattern in it. This has never been truer in my life then in two areas: food and relationships.

In the food area I am not that unique from other people. Each culinary celebration must go in the order that they were intended. First there is breakfast. This has always been a hard area for me as I have never been big on breakfast foods. I don’t like eggs or bacon or even pop tarts. They have just never been things that I want to start out my day eating. When I do find something that I want to eat that is a breakfast food I get overjoyed for it is rare. Next is lunch. This above every other eating occasion is my favorite because it has the least restrictions. It seems the world is open to me. Not just the world of food but every part of life seems accessible at lunch. Obligation. That is what fills dinner. When you have dinner alone (of which I do often) you always feel as though you should be having it with someone, anyone, as long as you are not by yourself. On the other end if you do eat with someone there seems to be all of these unspoken rules of what dinner should be. No matter who you eat with people expect for dinner to be this wonderful wrap-up to the day or the beginning of something wonderful. I like eating dinner alone so it can be neither of these things and I won’t feel guilty about it.

Just as I must have meals in a sequential order so must all of my relationships. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it is, as long as it ends in “ship” it has a line of order that must not be tempered with. I found this out when my friend Paul told me; with all of our other friends around, that one day he was going to marry me. Even in fourth grade I knew that this was not the logical order that this should go in. Not that I was opposed to the idea, I just wanted it to follow the script that I had built up from hearing love stories and watching romantic comedies with my mom. Many other relationships followed after but all of the plutonic kind. Through out high school and college I convinced myself that it was good that I didn’t date because it would be too hard for someone to follow my insane need for order. People these days were fast and I liked things to go slower. I filled my time with other things to help me not think about what I was missing out on.

My continued diversions worked for a long time. I found out how good I was at keeping the order even when it meant that I had to give up certain human emotions and run on auto-pilot. Surly this was an ok way to go through life. I had gotten my life in good order by the time I was twenty one. I didn’t smoke or drink so I never had to worry about how that could disrupt my life. I got through school with little problem. Once I was out I went to work and came home. Occasionally I would go out with friends but mostly they were all busy with family stuff and so meetings had to be strictly scheduled which I always liked.

All of this worked really well for me to distract from the relationships that I was not having…until one day I could be distracted no longer.

Love

2008-12-09T13:24:00.001-07:00

I walk to my car. “Where are you going this weekend?” says someone I can’t remember who they are. With a tone of indifference I say “Home”. She turns and walks away. I have four hours in the car to think of what I will do. “Pointless” I say to myself the whole way. Nothing can be planed.

I carry my bag into my room without seeing a sole. I walk around remembering what each room means and what has happened in them. Finally I go to the family computer down stairs where I know she will be. “Hi mom.” Silence. “Hey mom. What’s going on?” Nothing. I look at the computer. She is playing some game. “Well, good to talk to you.” I start walking up my stairs that seem like Mt. Everest now. “Hey” chirps a happy voice. “Come say Hi to me”. She must have finished the game.

I stand on the stair. I look at my car that I have finally left. I see a stack of books by the front door with a list of activities on top that I didn’t see at first. I take a deep breath and turn around. “How was your trip?” “Fine, long.” A long silence. She has started another game. I turn for the second time. “Let’s go get you some new clothes. Did you see the books I got you?” “Yes, Thanks” I say enthusiastically. “Are we going to go or are you going to play another game?” Thirty seconds go by but I don’t move. I know she will be done soon. She turns and gives me a sad pouty face. “You know I love you, right?” I take another breath. “Yes. I love you too.” She beams. I beam back.

Do these look like children you know?

2008-11-17T18:01:00.010-07:00

NOW THAT YOU HAVE SMILED a TIME
Share these with others!!
Don't you just feel this way sometimes????

No Child Left Behind?

2008-11-12T22:57:00.001-07:00

2008-11-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

10 years ago: I was 12. Nothing happened to me during this time. I was going to Orem Junior High and loved every minuet of it.

5 things on my to do list: Homework, go on a date, save one child, become a therapist, find and experience an epic love.

5 snacks I enjoy: Chocolate, popcorn shrimp, veggies, chips & salsa, and Dried mango

5 places I've lived: Michigan, St. George, Orem, Phoenix, Provo

What would I do if I became a billionaire: I would learn all that I could and start a foundation.

5 jobs I've had: I have only had three jobs. A candy supply person, Day-care teacher, and a mentor to someone with disabilities.

5 things you don't know about me: I used to be obsessed with Dark Angel, I used to do advanced ballet and Jazz, I only started reading

I now tag: Brooke

What Happens When I Am Let Out

2008-11-08T00:32:00.002-07:00

Lots of times I will complain that I don't do anything interesting (unless its going to Alaska or having weird conversations on text with people) but now I know what happens when I am let loose on the world.

Tonight I got a call from my friend Katie. She wanted to go to a movie and we decided to go see WALL*E so we picked up her sister Kacey and went to the movie. It was a good enough movie but truthfully I was so tired that I could not stand to be awake much longer. When we left the Flood St. Theater my truck and another car were the only ones left in the parking lot. The other car had its lights on and I was worried that it belonged to someone still working who didn't realize. I looked into the car and saw a body slumped below the steering wheel. I thought he was looking for keys or something until I looked again and saw that he was not moving. I told the others to look at him and asked if they thought he was dead (I was hopping it was a joke). Kacey went to the window and started knocking on the window. He did not move for a very long time. When he finally did we all realized that something was not right because he did not seem to know anyone was their. Katie called 911 when he started his car. He was not able to put his car into reverse and started revving the engine. Finlay he decided that he could just go forward so he drove right over the bearer, drove a little ways down the street and just barley missed an island before stopping at the stop sign. When he started again and there was not a cop in sight I decided to follow him. He turned at the stoplight on Bluff without stopping when not just one but three cop cars pulled him over. We stopped by him too so that we could tell the cops what we had seen. After a long time (about 30 to 45 minuets) one of the nicest cop I have ever meet came to get our statements and told us that the kid had taken WAY to much of his meds and that he could have easily killed someone driving because he didn't even know he was being questioned by officers.

So that is how my weekend started off. I should just stay in bed tomorrow!! If you want another perspective of this night check out Katie's Blog HERE.

One Sad Day

2008-11-04T23:16:00.002-07:00

Some days I wake up and realize that I am actually 78. Several things tip me off.

I groan when I have to get up because I am too stiff.
I don't like change. When things don't go my way and I have to change from my original plan then I get upset.
I have a set routine and I do not deviate.

Well despite my well cemented routine on Saturdays it has all been destroyed.
This was my schedule

Wake up any time before 9:30am
Get my friend and go to the farmers market
Say hi to all of my friends there
Next go to 25Th Main and get one pannini, cupcake, and soda and split it with my friend
Finally come home and take a nap

The farmers market is no more. Last Saturday was the last one until May. I was so sad to find this out I almost cried to my Jelly Lady. What will I do now on Saturdays? If you have any suggestions let me know.
Not Homework!!!

A Text

2008-10-21T01:28:00.003-06:00

Ok so I have to say that nothing happened and I only put this up because it was just such an interesting conversation to have so laugh.

whats up? When are we going to make out?

10:59 pm

elaisa are you there?

11:31 pm

driving to where?

1:19 am

so where are you now?

1:24 am

doing what?

1:26 am

but what are you doing in idaho?

1:28 am

when are you coming back?

1:30 am

are you going to stgeorge or orem?

1:33 am

when are you coming for break?

1:35am

so youre not coming back until december?

1:39 am

so when are we going to make out?

1:41 am

ok called me saturday when you get here so we can make out while watching a scary movie in my room just like we did at the cayonlands! (we never made out)

1:47 am

Are we satching a movie tomorrow and make out?

11:08 pm

yea lets watch a movie! i know we never made out, but lets make out this time! We almost did it at the cayonlands, so lets just do it this time!

6:52 am

everybody makes out even hard core mormons. Plus its cold so we need to cuddle and watch a scary movie and then make out

6:54 am

( I asked if he had just broken up with someone and was lonly and going through making out withdrawls)heck no! But i know you for a very long time now, and we were kind of together down in stgeorge remember? Plus youre way cool and one of my best friends

7:03 am

i know that you told me you never kiss before, but i can help you and teach you. So dont worry! Everybody has to learn some how right?

7:05 am

Everybody has to learn soon or later how to make out and stuff. Highschoolers allready know how to make out and your almost graduating from college, you need to get with the program here come on. Even hard core mormon girls that go to BYU make out, thats all they do but at least they make out. Because they know its not bad or anything. youre like almost 25 years and you havent even kiss, so lets make out and i will help you. Trust me im good at it. Youll want more & more you

7:19 am

you know you want to make out with a hot model guy like me! Especially on your first time. so what do you say? Want to make out and watch a movie?

7:22 am

so you dont want to then?

7:27 am

The Wild Weekend From Who Knows Where!!!!

2008-10-20T22:48:00.002-06:00

I thought this weekend was going to be like any that i have spent at home. Well sadly it was. On Tuesday I found out that my dad went to the hospital for having kidney stones. The fact that my dad actually said that he was sick at all made me go into a panic because he never does that. Because of this I arranged to leave from work early on Wednesday. On my way down the hill the truck that was in front of me decided to stop suddenly. I had the choice to ram him with my car or try to get out of the way. Well I evidently decided to go the wrong way because I slammed into the side of this huge rock truck that could have eaten my car with me in it. The amazing thing about this was that even with the damage to my passenger door and my back end both my door and trunk both still open. The other thing that was amazing was that no one got a ticket.

Well I still went home for the weekend. I went home and slept until 1:30 the next afternoon. When I woke up my mom called me and said that my brother was going to go with my dad to Alaska for the weekend but could not and would I like to go instead? Well I said that I would. I quickly packed up my stuff and my dad and I got into the car. After a wile we decided that I should drive because his medication made him hallucinate. After a wile I was glad that we had decided this because my dad in amazement told me how cool it was that the arrows on the road were standing up and flying away.

Well I did not end up going to Alaska because my aunt could not change my brothers ticket to my name. I was still glad that I was driving my dad however. Because my aunt got my dad's ticket we had to go up to Boise Idaho for his flight. After dropping off my dad I spent the day with my cousins that lived in the area. At 4am the next morning I took off for home.

Once arriving home I was wanting to take a nap but once again my mom made me an offer. I went out to lunch with her and a bunch of colleagues.

Next I went to my old daycare to help with a carnival that they were having.

Finally I went home to saint George after going to church with my mom. This is were my story would normally end but in my world the story never ends, I just have intermissions.

I walked into my house to find a zucchini that had been cut like a jack-o-lantern. This is what the note said that accompanied it.

-Dearest ELeiza,

On your doorstep is a lighted squash-o-lantern

Somewhere below you (hint, Apt #2) is the other

half, join these two halfs of flame to become one

flaming love squash so our love can burn as one,

will you go to home coming... oh wait that was

last week... will you go to the dance w/me

oh wait there is no dance it's fall break...

that really "squashes" my hopes

ok so this was juxt a fun tease by ur

friends who were bored but Love you lots? think

ur cool, happy fall break

-your unanimous

friends

Like I said, the crazy stuff just never ends.

A Few Things To Be Thankful For

2008-10-12T20:44:00.002-06:00

Life in the fast lane. That's how many of us live. We are so busy that we don't take the time to reflect on the good things we have. Sure life is tough but there is a lot to be thankful for. Remember those things. Reflect on those things. Here are a few to get you started.

A beautiful song
A comfortable chair
A cool breeze
A drink of cool water
A full moon
A gentle rain
A glass of cold milk
A good book to read
A good coat
A good husband
A good pillow
A good wife
A scenic drive
Air conditioning
Banana splits
Beaches in the morning
Beautiful women
Birds singing
Blue jeans
Brothers
Butterflies
Butterfly kisses
Ceiling fans
Children laughing
Christmas morning
Clothes that fit well
Comfortable shoes
Compliments
Computers that work
Cooing Babies
Cream Brule
Dark Chocolate
Dishwashers
Diversity
Dried pineapple slices
Fairness
Crackling fire in a fireplace
Flowers
Freedom of religion
Freedom of speech
Fresh ideas
Friendly dogs
Good conversation
Good eyesight
Good friends
Good health
Good movies
Good teachers
Good tires
Grace
Grandchildren
Grandma
Grandpa
Hair spray
High-speed Internet access
Holding hands
Homemade ice cream
Honest people
Hugs
Ice cubes
Indoor plumbing
Kind men
Kittens
Laughter
Live Christmas trees
Parking spaces near the front
Peanut butter
Plenty of closet space
Polyester
Polite drivers
Porch swings
Pregnant women
Puppies
Quiet mornings
Rainbows
Remote Controls
Roasted peanuts
Shade trees
Silk pajamas
Sisters
Smiles
Snow covered mountains
Snowflakes
Soft toilet paper
Sunrises
Sunsets
Thanksgiving dinner
That I wasn't in the obituaries today
The color of autumn leaves
The ocean
The smell of a Sunday roast cooking
The smell of homemade bread
The words "I love you"
Tire swings
True friends
Uninterrupted dinners
Warm kisses
Warm showers
Whipped cream
White puffy clouds
Wrinkle-free clothes

Over The Years!!!!

2008-10-11T20:26:00.011-06:00

Make Me Laugh

2008-10-09T22:46:00.002-06:00

OK so my dad looks like one of those guys that would be mean, stern, and have no sense of hummer. This would be completely incorrect however because he is one of the funniest guys that I have ever known. No one has ever made me laugh so hard as him especially when he tries to talk like the young hip kids that are in his classes. He sends me e-mails periodically and lots of times they are short and just silly but sometimes he sends me one that not only makes me laugh but also makes me feel like everything is going to alright. I got just that kind of message from him the other day and just had to share it. It may only be funny to me but look at the underlining message and maybe it will make you remember why you are doing the things you are doing.

Dear Students:

You would probably be surprised to know how many of your BYU professors know who you are and who make your academic welfare and progress the subject of their daily meditations and prayers. You might also consider why God, in His wisdom, brought you “a rugged billion miles,” as Emily Dickinson says, from wherever you came to place you at the feet of inspired men and women at this great school. I know for sure that God brought me and my family a hard, rugged billion miles to be here as your University 101 instructor. As the Purifier says to Riddick, “We all began as something else.” After defeats and reversals, I washed ashore in Utah, and now “here I am where I ought to be” (Karen Blixen, Out of Africa), doing things I never imagined I would be doing when I was your age. I thought I would go into law, because I admired the attorneys I knew. My patriarchal blessing told me to fill my “mind with learning of all kinds” and to prepare myself for “a life of service.” I took that revelatory, prophetic statement seriously and despite all obstacles I worked hard, kept commitments, helped others, and welcomed correction. I wore my hair and beard long, studied the philosophies of men, shook hands with Satan, read several thousand books (most of them now in my library, most of them great, a few pretty horrific), produced a dissertation on “Women, Marriage, and Sexuality in Herman Melville’s Work, a cultural-gender study,” and ultimately “donned the robes of a corrupt priesthood” (Nibley), all the while with a temple recommend in my pocket and a firm resolve to be obedient to God’s will. I often see my daughter read her patriarchal blessing during the sacrament, and I hope you consult yours occasionally to remind yourself of why you decided to come to BYU in the first place. I also hope that when you encounter resistance at school that you will take your problems to the Lord rather than murmuring against your teachers like Nephi’s brothers. When they pushed back against his instruction of them, he asked them directly: “Have ye inquired of the Lord?” They, of course, replied no, because “The Lord makes no such things known to us.” No wonder there. These were boys who spent their nights gaming and loitering (“We lurk late,” say the boys at the sign of the Golden Shovel in Gwendolyn Brooks poem “we real cool.”), and spent their days sleeping and loitering. They had their women with them.

2008-09-28T13:18:00.003-06:00

OK so this week I had a breakthrough. It was so big I almost feel off of my chair when I got it. No Joke!! For a very long time I have harbored bad feelings about a professor that I have had to have for every semester of my program.This has stoped me from learning in many ways. Well this week as I was sitting in her class I was barley listening to her talk about why she decided to go this way with her life. I suddenly realized that I could do work for her because she did care. This may not be big for anyone else but I think that for me it may be the biggest thing to happen to me this semester.

The Heart Grows Fonder

2008-09-23T22:26:00.002-06:00

So I was going to write about my work load, or my room, or my inability to get any sleep but all of that went out the window when my brother called. I have not seen my brother since August and I never thought that I would ever miss him this much. I was so excited to see him but I thought that he would just drive up in his truck and say hi to me from his seat and then drive a way but thankfully that was not the case. When he drove in he immediately parked and jumped out of the cab and gave me the biggest hug that I have ever had in probably my whole life. I had not realized how much I have missed having my little brother around me until I had him right in front of me. We talked for only a few minuets and when he left we had another long hug. I was glad to see him because I knew that he was happier then he has been for a long time and that made me happy. He is gone now but just knowing that he is doing well and that he hasn't forgotten me has allowed me to do my work this week with a large smile. If you have a sibling give them a call it will amaze you how much that can help.

Busy Good or Bad

2008-09-08T22:55:00.003-06:00

OK so I know it's been a long time since I have done this but I have never been so busy in my whole life. I am the president of my club DESA (Dixie Education Student Association), I'm an Resident Advisor again, I am in my last year of the Elementary Education Program, I am doing an internship at Diamond Valley Elementary School, I am writing a paper for a conference, studding for the Praxis, and I am preparing to apply to grad school. I must be insane.

I am extremely grateful for a few things that I just have to tell about right now. The first is my grandma who is always there for me and reminds me that I am doing things that are good. The next is my good friend Danielle who also helps me remember what is good about life. To these people I am truly grateful.

P.S. Next time I will write something better I promise.

Day V and VI

2008-08-07T14:23:00.003-06:00

OK so Monday was so much fun. My friends Kate and Brian went to London with me and we had a good time. First we went to see the Churchill Museum and Cabinet War Rooms. This was completely by accident. We had been walking along to go see Westminster and saw this along the way. It was amazing to be in the actual place that so much world history took place. We next had lunch on Trafalgar Square. This was fun to see all of the different kinds of people that are gathered in one place. Last we went to St Margaret's Church. It wasn't as good as Westminster Abbey but it was free and that is all that mattered. It was a good day.
On Tuesday I did my presentation. It was incredible. At first I felt as though I should not be their because I was not a top researcher but then my mom and Shaun asked me to end the session and lead the discussion. Now I have worked with difficult kids and up to 90 school kids and I can tell you that a room full of teachers are just as bad as all thoughts classes but I was able to draw upon my training and I got them in line. Everyone was so wonderful to me and really listened to what I had to say as something of importance. It was wonderful and I can't wait to comeback again. That afternoon everyone went to Sissinghurst Castle Garden. It was totally worth the travel.

Day Three and Four

2008-08-03T12:39:00.003-06:00

Today I went to Hever Castle (as shown above). The gatehouse, walls and moat were built in 1270. At the end of the 15Th century the castle was bought by the father of Anne Boleyn, later to marry King Henry V111, and a Tudor interior was added. This increased the living area and greatly improved comfort. Over the next four centuries the castle was occupied but started to decay. In 1903 it was bought and restored by W W Astor, reputed to be the richest man in America. He added a mock Tudor village behind the castle to accommodate visitors and created a large ornamental lake surrounded by beautiful gardens. To see this place and hear about the people who have lived in it always makes me think that there is no difference between live then and life now.

Yesterday my group and I went to the Canterbury Cathedral (middle), the White Cliffs of Dover (left), and saw (just in passing) Dover Castle (right). My group and I spent so much time in Canterbury that by the time that we go to Dover we were all out of steam. We ended up just getting a taxi to take us to the cliffs and the castle. We were going to go through the castle because of the tunnels that are underneath but we found out that it takes three hours to go through the whole thing and we were too tired for that. I did learn however that (If you don't want to know this skip down to the picture below) the first tunnels under Dover Castle were constructed in the Middle Ages to provide a protected line of communication for the soldiers manning the northern outworks and to allow the garrison to gather unseen before launching a surprise attack. During the Napoleonic Wars, this system of tunnels was greatly expanded to fortify the Castle in readiness for a French invasion. Seven tunnels (running with damp and prone to collapse) were dug as barracks for the soldiers and officers who were filling both castle and town to overflowing. These were capable of accommodating up to 2,000 troops. They are the only underground barracks ever built in Britain.
In May 1940, as France fell before the German advance, the tunnels became the nerve centre for 'Operation Dynamo' - the evacuation of the British Expeditionary Force (BEF) and French troops from Dunkirk's beaches. Admiral Ramsay and his staff worked round the clock for nine days. On 26 May some 400,000 troops were awaiting rescue on the beaches of Dunkirk. The best estimate was that only 45,000 could be brought back. Yet, by 4 June, nearly all were evacuated. In total, 338,000 men came back: the BEF and 139,000 French soldiers.
In the Cold War the tunnels were further expanded to form a Regional Centre of Government in the event of nuclear war. With the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989 the need for this facility decreased and in the early 1990s it was decommissioned and areas of the tunnels opened to the public.

That night we all went out to dinner at The Lamb Inn in Wartling. The food was wonderful as well was the company. After that however I was so tired that I almost fell asleep in my cloths. That will teach me to have too much fun!

The First Two Days

2008-08-01T12:36:00.003-06:00

My trip has started!!! My mom and our friends stayed in the temple housing the first night. It was fun but the best part was talking to all of the temple workers before my session. They were so friendly. That night we ate at a place called The Peacock. It was wonderful. At the start of our trip we had a miracle happen, my mother left her purse in the taxi and did not realize it until the taxi had driven all the way back. For most people this would mean that the purse was lost but not for my mom. She was able to call back to the car and the man found her purse and brought it back to us. I one more example how God loves my mother.
Today we all spent the day at Brighton. We went to the Brighton Pier and the Brighton Royal Pavilion. (Pictures of these two places are under my pictures.) Even though I am tired and can barely stand this has been so much fun because I have been with good people and good friends. Tomorrow we start a new adventure and I will tell you all about it.

Indiana Jones

2008-07-21T22:06:00.002-06:00

OK so I have not had a lot of time to go out and see movies but I went to this movie with some friends at work. If you have not seen it I will not give anything away, all I will say is it has the funniest Monkeys, Gofers, Ants, and a Snake. I have never laughed so hard. Many of the people around us did not appreciate our laughing but we could not help ourselves. If you have not seen it you must go and if you have you must go again.

Very Very Late Tag

2008-06-23T21:27:00.002-06:00

10 years ago: Ten years ago I was almost 13 and the most perfect angle you have ever seen.
My goal for the future: Become a teacher, mother, wife, pediatric therapist, and change lives.

5 things on my to do list: 1. Schedule the Praxis 2. Take the Praxis 3. Finish 10 more books before school starts 4. Clean my car and 5. Get a social life.

5 snacks I enjoy: Cashews, Crazins, chocolate, granola bar, vegetables

5 places I've lived: Orem, Provo, St. George, Pine Vally, Phoenix
What would I do if I became a billionaire: Start my own foundation for children and a great kitchen and fast cars

5 jobs I've had: nanny, day care teacher, stocker at a candy supply store, and student. Yes that is it.

5 things you don't know about me: I don't think there is anything you don't know about me.

I now tag: Stephanie Poff, Team Iloa, Anna Hansen

Teachers

2008-06-23T16:16:00.003-06:00

So this last week I was able to be the head teacher in my classroom at Kinderland day care in the kindergarten class. During the last week I had decided to do more reading, math, and writing so I started reading Junie B. First Grader books to my class after lunch. This was amazing because I was able to show them how they acted sometimes by the example of a character in the book. Tattiling has been a big problem but now I am able to say "Do you sound like May?" I once again felt like I was someone with a purpose. It is amazing how when your life has no visible purpose everything else can seem to fall apart at your feet. Sadly the "Head" teacher came back so now I am back to seeing how much the children I love are not getting from their "Teachers". Oh well I will just have to look to the future.

My Best Bro

2008-06-07T21:49:00.002-06:00

For years my brother and I have fought like we were mortal enemies. Only in the last few years have we grown to truly care for one another and show our love to each other. Recently I have started the process to find or get in contact with my birth mother. I have told very few people this and in my family have only told my mother. Yesterday my mom and my Marc went to St. George to my aunts fiftieth birthday party. On the way they talked about my brothers relationships and stuff in his life. I guess my mom told Marc about my wanting to find my birth mother because when he came back that night at midnight the first thing he did was to come into my room, wake me up, and asked me if I was OK. He knew that this is a big decision for me and wanted to see if I was OK. If I hadn't been so tired I would have cried.
Even though he and I do not always get along as we have gotten older we have learned that he and I are the only ones that we can turn to when life is truly crashing down around us. Our parents are always their for us but when we have had it with them Marc and I will always be their to pick up the pieces of our broken lives. I don't know if I will ever love someone like I love Marc but I do know that at this moment I love him more now then I have ever before. He is THE best brother.

When the Going Gets Tough...

2008-05-31T19:19:00.003-06:00

This week I have been trying to fill out an application for the Jacobsen Scholarship Fund. For anyone who has done their taxes I liken this process to trying to do your state taxes. I have been so stressed that I have not been able to crack a smile for a weak. Today I have finally sent my application off and now I just wait for them to decide whether or not I am worth spending money on. I think I will go and finish the second part of the saying "When the going gets tough, the tough eat cake."

Nine out of Ten Like Chocolate. The Tenth Person Always Lies.

2008-05-31T18:46:00.003-06:00

So this is for all of my stalkers out there. My life has been not too exciting since I left school and One Tree Hill ended. One thing is for sure though, I like my family from two hundred miles away more. On Monday I will be working full time in the kindergarten classroom. This will hopefully help me deal with my family better because there will be less time to be annoyed. One this is certain to help...CHOCOLATE!!!!!

Ode to a Rose

2008-05-01T11:08:00.007-06:00

As the semester winds down I wake up this morning feeling very strange. The first thing that I see upon opening up my eyes is my friend Rose. She has been a friend of mine for as long as I can remember. For years I have looked to her to hold my deepest secrets and help me see that their are still things in the world that are still pure, untainted, and around when we need them. Many times in my life when I have told people of our relationship no one understood just what she means to me.

Now that I am getting older and am sometimes prone to thinking that there is no one that can truly understand how I feel, good or bad, all I have to do is look into Rose's beautiful eyes to remember that she has been there through the whole thing and understands.

The reason for this little love fest is because now more than ever I am so glad that I have this wonderful person to help me feel better. Oh and did I mention that this wonderful angle of a girls is a doll that I got my first Christmas after being adopted?!

Down Time

2008-04-25T18:07:00.000-06:00

Deserve

2008-04-24T08:56:00.002-06:00

So this is something I have wanted to talk about for a long time. I fist became bothered by this word when I was, what else, watching TV. I was watching Americas Next Top Model when I heard a girl say that she deserved to stay because of all of the things that she had been through in her life. At the time I thought the girl was wrong because she was just plain bad. A few years later I hear ed something that got me thinking and even more fired up about this word. Moira Kelly on One Tree Hill was at a school meeting defending Coach Durram, and I am butchering this but here it goes, "Dan Scott" was saying that the Basketball team deserved to win and "Karen Row" said that the boys did not "Deserve" anything, they had to earn it. This struck me hard. Ever since I heard her say this I have gotten mad every time I hear someone say that they deserve something. No one deserves anything, you earn what you get.
Sorry if this does not make any sense but it has been bugging me for a long time. I hope you are all doing well. You all Deserve a break because you have all earned it this week!

A New Week

2008-04-21T22:25:00.002-06:00

Well this is a new week and with it comes new challenges. I have had so many things happen that I almost want to crawl under a rock and never come out. I of course cannot do this so I have been looking for something to keep me going through all of the down times. It was not surprising to me that my answer came to me wile I was watching One Tree Hill. This show has saved me from many things and this time was no different. Here is what saved me:
Make a wish and place it in your heart, anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is going to come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that its right around the corner and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you might just get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic; you just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it with all your heart.

Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace

When I heard these words I immediately thought of my wish. I don't let myself wish it very often because it reminds me of what I want but have a hard time believing will ever happen to me.

This is not supposed to bring anyone down but I want you all to read these words and think of what your wish is and unlike me truly believe that it will come true because no matter what you tell yourself at your lowest moments you do deserve it because you have earned it.

The therapist in me says that I am telling this to myself more then anyone else but it holds true for everyone, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE APPRECIATED, AND ALL YOUR DREAMS CAN COME TRUE!!!

Insanity

2008-04-03T08:26:00.000-06:00

So this was a big week. For the first time in a long time I have felt the overwhelming need to cry. As always I am unaware of the way that people can see what is going on with me even when I think that I doing a good job of hiding it from everyone.
I am an RA (Resident Advisor) at Dixie. This week I was given the task to work with another RA to make flyer's for a sports activity that was coming up. Usually I am the one who makes sure that everything that needs to go on the fl yer is on and is correct. The other RA usually does all the "Flash". Well this week I had over 28 hours of work to do. Because of all of the homework that I had to do I did not check the fl yer that had been done and let the other RA do what ever he wanted and trusted that the information would be correct.
A few days later it was the day before all of my assignments were due and I was freaking out. I also had to go to my RA meeting. At these meeting my RM (Resident Manager) has personal meetings with each RA to go over things that deal with that one person. At my meeting the first thing she said to me was "So, have you had a hard week? Are you really stressed out?". I was flabbergasted. How could she tell? Even at that moment I was on the verge of tears because of the stress. I told her about what was due and my week. I then asked her how she had known? She told me that she knew how particular I was with information and that she did not think that the fl yer had been passed by me because when it was turned into her, she had to change the whole thing.
I was expecting some kind of reprimand or advice on how to avoid this in the future. Instead she offered to help me in any way. I became so overcome with emotion and thankfulness that I almost cried.
Things are better now but I am not yet out of the woods. Most of my assignments are in and things are winding down. I even have gotten my sense of hummer back. All I can do is look forward to what will come next.

Obsession

2008-03-26T08:13:00.000-06:00

OK so I know that I am a little Obsessed with One Tree Hill. This may seem weired but I think it is the same as loving a good book. Once you get drawn in these people become part of your life just like how Sister Carrie became part of who I am as soon as I read it. I don't think those who create these shows know the responsibility they have to the viewers and to the show they created. This was one thing that made me sad with Gilmore Girls because at the end it was like they had forgotten who "Rori" was and had her be like everyone else. SHE WAS NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!! This is what made us love her so much. One Tree Hill is part of who I am now because everything I yearn for is shown. The things I want in my life are not always possible but when I watch "Haley" fulfilling my dreams them it is almost like I am doing them myself. The story of "Haley" is one that is dear to me because I see her as a person like me. Having yourself in such a public forum wile you can still be "normal" is wonderful. Nothing can brake someones heart more then seeing those who write our beloved TV shows "sell out" or not be true to what and who they have created. I will always be obsessed about something but at least now I have given my reasons.

Bon Voyage

2008-03-25T09:59:00.000-06:00

So today I got my intinerary for my trip to England. I am so excited about this. I will be gone for about two weeks. It will be stressful but I am glad to be presenting.

How exciting!!!!

2008-03-25T09:43:00.000-06:00

Well now you have another way to know too much about me. I don't know how much I will write but one thing is for sure, you will always know too much about it. Let's have fun and be Dazed together!!!