So, all day, from the moment that first ray of annoying sunlight started invading the inner sanctum that is my bedroom, I wanted a day...one day for myself. I had this dream of being able to wake up, make myself a wonderful breakfast (all the while having music play in my head worthy of a 90's sitcom), lazily get dressed and begin to put my life back together. No family, no obligations, no guilt, just peace. The morning was wonderful. My brother, who never seems to get going till about noon, was not making noise in his shop that is located on the other side of my bedroom window. My parents were at work. And I was living my dream. All things were wonderful until the afternoon when, like a ball that rolls down a hill and lands in a pond of goo, the whole thing turned into a disaster. For some reason, I was just unable to recover. I couldn't pull it back to a place where the dream could continue living. Instead I turned into the worst version of myself, swearing at my family in my head, cursing myself and all of my poor decisions, and failing to see the beauty in my own existence.
The sun has always been an indicator of evil for me. Many have called me over the years a vampire. It is true that I have many similarities to that particular genus of creature but, as I sit in the dark of my apartment, on a truly disappointing day, I have to disagree. Perhaps I am more akin to the werewolf, that misunderstood and feared creature. Those who see lycanthropy as a transformation into a horrible beast that is unrecognizable might find it strange that I would identify myself with such a curse. I however, do not turn into a folkloric beast with the rising of the moon but with the sun. At night I am calm and clear and am unable to reconcile the destruction done by the beast that I had been during the day and yet powerless to stop the change that happens when the sun is at its zenith.
The moon is out now and I finally feel that I am able to have my perfect dream day; to laugh and cry, sing and scream, create messes and obsessively clean. I am energized, even as I yawn while writing this post. This is when I wish people could see me, when I am part of my best self. And yet, it is the distinct lack of people that allows me to revel in this time, this darkness when the world is half asleep and its inhabitance unconcerned with the tedium of living a responsible life.
While I know I must go to bed, aware that tomorrow I will face another sunny day full of sickeningly happy people, the next time I decide I need to take a "personal day", it will be at night.
The sun has always been an indicator of evil for me. Many have called me over the years a vampire. It is true that I have many similarities to that particular genus of creature but, as I sit in the dark of my apartment, on a truly disappointing day, I have to disagree. Perhaps I am more akin to the werewolf, that misunderstood and feared creature. Those who see lycanthropy as a transformation into a horrible beast that is unrecognizable might find it strange that I would identify myself with such a curse. I however, do not turn into a folkloric beast with the rising of the moon but with the sun. At night I am calm and clear and am unable to reconcile the destruction done by the beast that I had been during the day and yet powerless to stop the change that happens when the sun is at its zenith.
The moon is out now and I finally feel that I am able to have my perfect dream day; to laugh and cry, sing and scream, create messes and obsessively clean. I am energized, even as I yawn while writing this post. This is when I wish people could see me, when I am part of my best self. And yet, it is the distinct lack of people that allows me to revel in this time, this darkness when the world is half asleep and its inhabitance unconcerned with the tedium of living a responsible life.
While I know I must go to bed, aware that tomorrow I will face another sunny day full of sickeningly happy people, the next time I decide I need to take a "personal day", it will be at night.
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