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Peace and Failure

She had failed. There was no other way to say it. Despite all of her accomplishments, all of the honours that people attributed to her, she had failed at the things that mattered most, and no amount of humour, self-deprecating or not, could change that fact.

For years she'd hid behind her staged smile and her enticing humour. She had worked hard at the tasks that had clear beginnings and endings and could be accomplished by mortals. She dreamed of being more, of doing more, of meaning more. Yet, when opportunities presented themselves, she failed to live up to the possibilities.

People. That was the part of life that she had failed. She had failed to truly care about or for people. Caring led to pain. Caring meant investing in another person, only to have that person reject all that had been invested into them. It was easier not to care, to create a safe distance so as not to get hurt. It was easy for Her to do. Like a switch that she could flick on and off, she could care or not …
Recent posts

Personal Day

So, all day, from the moment that first ray of annoying sunlight started invading the inner sanctum that is my bedroom, I wanted a day...one day for myself. I had this dream of being able to wake up, make myself a wonderful breakfast (all the while having music play in my head worthy of a 90's sitcom), lazily get dressed and begin to put my life back together. No family, no obligations, no guilt, just peace. The morning was wonderful. My brother, who never seems to get going till about noon, was not making noise in his shop that is located on the other side of my bedroom window. My parents were at work. And I was living my dream. All things were wonderful until the afternoon when, like a ball that rolls down a hill and lands in a pond of goo, the whole thing turned into a disaster. For some reason, I was just unable to recover. I couldn't pull it back to a place where the dream could continue living. Instead I turned into the worst version of myself, swearing at my family in m…

The Boardroom

Every night, in a room that might resemble a comfortable conference room, three people walk in and sit around a table. Each is dressed differently and reflects the positions they hold. One is dressed in loose dark clothing. She is uncomfortable at the table and yet makes sure that her presence is known for she will be in the position of power, one day. The next woman is dressed as though she has just stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine for powerful women. Her black and white suit is stylish and pressed. She is clearly comfortable with her documents, notebooks, and beverage. Where ever she sits, in her mind, she is ultimately in charge. The last woman contrasts greatly from the first two. She does not see herself as "in charge" because she sees no hierarchy. No one is above another. She two has brought documents and notebooks with her but each is bright and fanciful. She too is dressed as though she tried to fit every color she could think of into one outfit and yet s…

Hero Stories

I sit at my desk, in my dark office, surrounded by faces of family members and loved ones. Pictures, tokens, and anything that reminds me of those who are not with me engulf my space. I truthfully don't know if this makes being in my office easier or harder. Certainly, I love thinking about games, laughter, and stories from other places but I also need to be awake to the emerging stories that are happening here which doesn't happen when you are living in the past. 
I don't know why I am also being resistant to some of the work I need to do. I enjoy my research, I tell myself often. I like my participants and thinking about their lives. I like writing and finding beautiful words to describe the indescribable. And yet, I am unable to, in that moment, do the work that I love. Somehow it does emerge and words and pages are formed but I do not yet know how it happens when I so clearly refuse to work. 
Despite this feeling, I show up at my office everyday. I sit at my desk, as I…

IDK?

Truth be told, I’m not sure why I am writing this morning. Perhaps it is because I feel like I should be writing more often. I don’t know. As I write it seems that my fingers are no longer used to typing out words. Nearly every other word, it seems, needs to be back traces or re-written. It seems that my thoughts no longer know the path from the brain to the fingers the way that they once did. I wrote such wonderful things. Such amazing, beautiful, magnificent things. But now it seems that I can only write about how I no longer write.
I keep looking online for things to improve my life. I watch shows and wish I were the people who did amazing things. I am looking and looking but not finding. What is it about me that cannot be the person I see when I close my eyes? Why can I not WRITE!!??

Open and Trust

I have always considered myself as an open person. No one could ever say that I was an "over-sharer" but ask me a question, any question, and I will tell you an answer or tell you that I will not be answering that question. This particular trait has gotten me in trouble on more than one occasion. I learned early in my life that people often ask questions that they do not really want someone to answer, especially not truthfully. So now I ask, when I sense that someone might be asking me one of these questions, if it is a question that they really want an answer to. Some have responded yes, to mixed results. Most change the subject or continue their musings without giving me time to answer.

For myself, I rarely ask anyone a question or for someone's opinion of me because I am not sure that I would want to hear what would be said to me. I have never thought about this particular quirk of mine. I figured that it was a quality that made others like me (whether or not I liked …

Coming Again

She sat at her desk. It had been a nice walk from her home to the place that often felt more like home than where she lay her head at night. It had been a long while since she had picked up her pen to write anything but something compelled her to write today. Perhaps it was the rain that seemed to wash away all of the refuse that muddled the world. With the cleansing rain went her indecision and ambiguity. She was remembering how she had come to this place, this desk, this life. Somehow she had forgotten how she had come to be over the years. Those memories had been buried under "To Do" lists and obligations and her own desires to please others. Who knows when it became more important for her to honour other's stories for her than herself but it had.

In the quiet moments, on walks or the silent melodies of rain falling, she longed to run to trees and earth and write her connection with the world as she had done in the past. Today would not be the day to drive out of the …