To Who I Am Becoming...

Power. Connection. Rules. Identity. For me, being a redhead meant that I was given something extra. I was different from others and therefore I had to live differently. My father was a redhead but it was my mother (a dark haired) that taught me about being a redhead. I vaguely remember the books that we had in our house. The important ones had redheads as the main characters. They were the fun ones, the changers, the people in silent power, and even the secret or not so secret destroyers of lives. They were those with divinity or tantamount to daemons. Lots of times they were both. This was often the same in the real world as well. An Asian woman once asked my parents if they wouldn’t like to have my hair be a different color. “Like what?” was their question back, “Like black.” was her response. In her culture red hair meant something bad. Another time my mom and I were in downtown Tucson, at dusk, waiting for the bus. A man waiting with us looked at the sunset and ...

So my ward once a month has a potluck dinner. This time I sat with one of the counselors two girls. It was so much fun. I started talking to the oldest (around 10) about what she was reading. I found out we were reading the same book! That proves it, I have the mentality of a 10 year old. The younger one decided to try and sneak up on me and scare me. I in turn began to corrupt them. It was so much fun to play with kids and forget how old I am. I hope they come next month as well.

So I have been having lots of things happen. I have been working on the stories of my life. Many of the stories I have are funny and I have told but I am learning about all of the stories I didn't know I had. I have been writing and writing stories about my family, me in school, the time I spent at the Day-care. I am now so interested in all of the stories that I may have forgotten. What stories do you remember or have? Please comment and help me remember.

I am sitting at my desk. I am typing on my vintage Mac. I am sitting in my office full of pictures and stuff. I am looking out onto beautiful University of Alberta campus and downtown. I am listening to wonderful music on my iPod. I am realizing how lucky I am to be here doing what I am doing but there is something that is pulling at me from the shadows. It is slippery and elusive like the Loch Ness Monster. It teases me with its presence and non-presence. I can't catch it but I know that it is there. I am trying to fight it off but I know that at some point it will spring from the shadows and envelop me. The comfort that I have is to live in a fantasy world. Not one where I can fly and do what ever I want (not that that sounds bad). In my fantasy world I am everyone I want to be, powerful, purposeful, self-assured, confidant, productive, brilliant, fully loved, beautiful, and meaningful. I may be all of these things in small portion but in my fantasy world I am all of thes...

Sometimes you don’t know when magic is happening. Sometimes it takes a while before you realize that you are experiencing a moment you will remember for the rest of your life. Sometimes, however, it is not hard to see it. Sometimes the power of it overcomes you so much that you must remind yourself to breath. Sometimes it’s magic. Red cohort, A.P. Group, overachievers. We went by many names but what we really were was almost never spoken. Perhaps it was because if we said out loud what we were it might go away. For two years we laughed together, cried together, made fools of ourselves in front of each other. We celebrated when someone found out they were pregnant. We went to each other’s weddings. When there was death we supported, cried, and cared for one another. We lifted each one up on their journey, for as we did so for the one, we did for the whole. Other groups did not have this magic. Perhaps the magic came by but no one noticed it and so it left without making much of an...

So today is my twenty-fifth birthday. So far in my short life I have seen horrors, I have felt love, I have been truly alone, I have been comforted, I have given, I have taken, I have been proposed to but have not felt true love, and I have carried hope and faith with me everyday. I sit in an apartment in Kowloon overlooking Hong Kong Island with some of my dearest friends. I have always tried to work hard and become the person I would like to be but have just never been able to find the space to do it. So many times I have prayed that I could have something happen to me that I could just remove myself from my life and become a better person. God has given that time to me. Many of the things that I have always wanted to do in my life I have been able to do here. The past year has been hard. This time last year I had just graduated, moved home, and was looking for a job. I did not find one. I did get an offer for North Slope Alaska but decided that it was hard enough for me to mee...

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