She realized why she liked this space. She sat in her office at the university; filled with the memories of triumphs past, small achievements, stacks of work to be done that told her that she was important to someone, and trinkets of loved ones who remembered her as a better person than perhaps she was. It was in this space that she liked to work and play pretend as if she were what and who all of these people and objects thought she was. Here she could imagine herself in a life that was more than the harsh reality she lived. Here she could be amazing.
She noticed that the lights were off. She never turned on the lights because she didn't want to have the light reveal the lies that kept her going from moment to moment. It was always the light that reminded her that she was not who she thought she was, it reminded her of her failures and the things she had forgotten or neglected to do, and it forced her to see that the magic that she believed in was just delusion. These things couldn't be real. In the light she was not amazing, she was barley okay.
The darkness had given her much but it also reminded her of one thing. She was strange. Most people liked to be around others, they liked to be in a group, and they liked the light because that allowed them to be with these like-minded people. She didn't like any of these things. She did like to be in some groups but it was not a universal given that she liked all groups of people. She liked to be on her own for the most part. There was one exception; she wished she could share her solitude with another person. To most this sounded like a contradiction but it wasn't; not for her. That was another thing she liked about her office. When she first moved into this small impersonal room she shared it with another person. The two of them would sit in the room and listen to music in the background with the lights off and do their work. Every once in a while one of them would look up and they would talk about something and then go back to their individual tasks. These moments reminded her of her days in college in the desert of southern Utah.
She remembered the dry air that carried the sounds and smells of the town. She remembered the lights that came on at night and made the city seem like a hidden oasis built by magical folk. She remembered the heat and how it would cool and fade as day turned into night. Most of all she remembered sitting on her balcony on a small couch with her friend. They would sit together and work on their individual projects. They would sit for hours and rarely talked, it was enough to know that there was another person, even just one, that would admire the magic that they were witness to. That was enough, to sit and not talk but to just be with each other with the quiet knowledge that someone was there, ready to talk or lend a shoulder if needed.
That was what she missed now. She loved her office. She loved the darkness. She loved everything that it had given to her but she missed sharing it. She continually was on the lookout for someone to share this magical space with, where people could be more than they were and where magic was in the air. She hoped that someone would come and want to just sit and not talk but be witness to the space. For now it was only her. She would have to sit alone with the memories and the reminders of friends and pretend that she was more than she was. She would do this happily but she would keep one eye open, one ear listening, and one hand searching for that special person who also would be able to see the wonder and magic that this room held. She knew that person was out there, she would only need to be patient and be ready.
As she left her office she thought again how much she loved it as she said good bye to the memories and reminders of friends. Until tomorrow, and the magic would envelop her again.
She noticed that the lights were off. She never turned on the lights because she didn't want to have the light reveal the lies that kept her going from moment to moment. It was always the light that reminded her that she was not who she thought she was, it reminded her of her failures and the things she had forgotten or neglected to do, and it forced her to see that the magic that she believed in was just delusion. These things couldn't be real. In the light she was not amazing, she was barley okay.
The darkness had given her much but it also reminded her of one thing. She was strange. Most people liked to be around others, they liked to be in a group, and they liked the light because that allowed them to be with these like-minded people. She didn't like any of these things. She did like to be in some groups but it was not a universal given that she liked all groups of people. She liked to be on her own for the most part. There was one exception; she wished she could share her solitude with another person. To most this sounded like a contradiction but it wasn't; not for her. That was another thing she liked about her office. When she first moved into this small impersonal room she shared it with another person. The two of them would sit in the room and listen to music in the background with the lights off and do their work. Every once in a while one of them would look up and they would talk about something and then go back to their individual tasks. These moments reminded her of her days in college in the desert of southern Utah.
She remembered the dry air that carried the sounds and smells of the town. She remembered the lights that came on at night and made the city seem like a hidden oasis built by magical folk. She remembered the heat and how it would cool and fade as day turned into night. Most of all she remembered sitting on her balcony on a small couch with her friend. They would sit together and work on their individual projects. They would sit for hours and rarely talked, it was enough to know that there was another person, even just one, that would admire the magic that they were witness to. That was enough, to sit and not talk but to just be with each other with the quiet knowledge that someone was there, ready to talk or lend a shoulder if needed.
That was what she missed now. She loved her office. She loved the darkness. She loved everything that it had given to her but she missed sharing it. She continually was on the lookout for someone to share this magical space with, where people could be more than they were and where magic was in the air. She hoped that someone would come and want to just sit and not talk but be witness to the space. For now it was only her. She would have to sit alone with the memories and the reminders of friends and pretend that she was more than she was. She would do this happily but she would keep one eye open, one ear listening, and one hand searching for that special person who also would be able to see the wonder and magic that this room held. She knew that person was out there, she would only need to be patient and be ready.
As she left her office she thought again how much she loved it as she said good bye to the memories and reminders of friends. Until tomorrow, and the magic would envelop her again.
Comments
This is one of the most beautiful things I've read in a long time. I hope you find someone wonderful to share your office space or a space in your heart. I sure do miss you.
Love always,
Katie